I have a plan

Not that I'm sure it's a good plan, but it feels right, until I start thinking too much about it. Then it just kinda feels evil, mean, bitchy, you name it. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And yes, I'm a girl. Not very girly all the time, but still a girl.

I got a new camera, it's beautiful. I love it. It's mineminemineminemine. Best thing is that it was an open box and on sale, so I got it for almost $200 less than the original price. I love Futureshop as well I think. Another thing about today is that I realised KFC has really good lights for taking photos :D (damn, I feel fat now)

Bird

I'm a bird. A wild bird. I like to be free, to feel the wind under my wings. Now I'm in a cage, and I can see the opening growing smaller and smaller for each day. Unless I do it now, I'll get hurt when I take off, if I'll even be able to do so later.

Give me an open window.

Christmas?

I miss my family. I miss all that I'm used to have during christmas. This just feels... Weird... I feel guilty about not really enjoying everything, because the people here try to make it good, try to make me feel at home, they care. And now I'm more confused than ever before. Do I want this? Should I just leave it? Can I leave it now? I feel guilty about thinking about leaving. But it doesn't feel right. Still I'm afraid to hurt someone, so I stay, wait. Forgive me.

18

Happy fucking birthday to me.

Homesick, yes.
Sad, yes.
Alone, yes.
Confused, yes.
Pissed off, yes.
Dissappointed, yes.

*insert title here*

Seriously, sometimes I hate myself. I fall asleep, though i know I shouldn't, because there's too little time. Then I wake up, 2 hours after the alarm went off, with my cell in my bed and not on the other end of the room. Throughout the years I've developed a remarkable skill to turn things off while I'm still asleep, and lately I've even managed to chat with people online while still not being awake. I go back to sleep and have no memory of it, I wake up and wonder why someone used my laptop? Eventually I'll learn to study and go to school while asleep, would be very handy. But as it is now I just hate it, and hate me for doing it. Why can't I just be normal? And sleep when normal people do? And wake up when I have 2 alarms going off?

Day didn't get any better when it turns out D got a 100% on the physics exam, now I need to beat that. Atleast I'm not allowed to fail it, which I've got a feeling I'll still do. Great. Something to be happy about is that I'm allowed to do my Hamlet-assignment during the holidays, and I can hand it in next year :) One thing less on my mind. Still need to finish the Art History Portfolio though.

And the stupid green line on my monitor isn't gone. Earlier it's disappeared, but now it seems to be stuck. Makes me want to hate my life, but I can't really allow myself to. So I get stuck hating myself for not allowing me to hating my life. Want to go to sleep now, I'll set both alarms and pray to some obscene God I'll never belive in that I'll wake up. (I'm really getting desperate now, am I?)

To sleep, or not to sleep?

It's 5 in the morning, I can't sleep. Shouldn't be too suprised about that, considering I slept for 20 hours last night, aka, I came home from school, went to sleep, woke up around midnight, went back to sleep, woke up at 8 in the morning, called in sick, slept 'til noon-ish. Now I can't fall asleep, I'm just laying here shifting positions in my bed.

Apparently there was an earthquake back home yesterday, the strongest in over a hundred years. Some people slept right through it, other people just can't realise those people just could sleep through it. No-one died, atleast that's a good thing. And according to my sister, both of my aquariums survived :)

Got a lot of mails today. One from a friend back home, with a christmasgift, made my day :) And during the evening I got a mail from my dad, he asked me what stuff there's to see here in Canada, if one were to come and visit, made my evening :) And then just some hours ago I got a mail from my mom, saying that me and my sister are allowed to have a hedgehog, made my night :D

Ofcourse I should've done way more homework than I did, but for once I acctually did some. Go me! Gonna talk with Mr. B (not Bean...), my english and art teacher, and ask him if I can hand in the Hamlet assignment after the holdays, 'cause there's no way in h*random amount of stars* I'll be done with it before friday, considering I havn't started yet. I've got all the ideas, I've got them down on paper and in my head, but I just can't put it together. And I've got an art assignment, too, to finish before friday. And a physics exam. Great. Part of the reason for skipping school today (yesterday) was because I didn't do any studying for the exam, since I was asleep.

The stupid lime green line is back on my monitor, I f*****g hate that thing. It's there, and then it's not there. And now it's back again. Very annoying. Guess I'll do as last time, hope it's gone next time I start the laptop. One might be lucky ^_^

Now I'm starting to yawn, might be able to get an hour and a half of sleep anyways? :O

Good morning.

Vitruvian Man

Another night spent awake. But I got a couple of hours of sleep sunday afternoon so I should be fine for school, not tired yet :)

Spent the night doing alot of nothing, no big suprise there. I also spent a ridiculous small amount of time working on what I was supposed to do, my Art History Portfolio. I'm now done with writing about Leonardo da Vinci, and Yoshitaka Amano. 8 more artists to go, I've got the information about them already, I just need to put it into my own words. And there's still the thing with not having Wikipedia as your only source of information. Figured out the Vitruvian Man-drawing reminds me of an ex-bf of mine. A nice guy, doesn't really have anything to hold against him. It just wasn't working, and he's still my friend (as are his two younger sisters, who are both older than I am...). Some may react to the age difference, but hey, why? :p

Back to talking about the art assignment... We're also supposed to choose a drawing/painting/sculpture/anything of the artist, to write our own thoughts about. For Leonardo da Vinci I chose the Vitruvian Man, but I'm not quite sure if my own reflections about it are good enough?

The Vitruvian Man, thanks to Wikipedia for letting me pirate the picture :)

"This small drawing, together with Mona Lisa and the Last Supper, is probably one of Leonardo’s most famous works. As so many of his other paintings and drawings, it’s all about proportions. Here I could start talking about Leonardo and his use of the Golden Ratio, but I won’t, considering it would take up way too much space.

To me, this picture reminds me of a friend of mine. Not only does the man’s hair look like my friends before he cut it off, but my friend also used to wear a yellow t-shirt with the print of the Vitruvian Man. As time went by this t-shit became a little too worn out, and was put away as one of them shirts you’re allowed to bring forth once a year and have a quick look at.

Other than that I don’t really know what to say about this drawing, I can’t say anything else that hasn’t already been said numerous times."

Seven Summits

Yay! I've found a goal in my life! It's a long-term goal, but still :)

"Seven summits, the highest peaks of the seven continents" I want to, I really really want to...
Kilimanjaro (5895 m) in Africa
Denali (6194 m) in North America
Aconcagua (6962 m) in South America
Elbrus (5642 m) in Europe
Carstensz Pyramid (4884 m) in Oceania
Vinson (4897 m) in Antarctica
Mount Everst (8850 m) in Asia

But I guess I should start with getting in some kind of physical condition, right now I'm not in a shape for anything at all. Guess I should put up a pair of running shoes on my wish-list for christmas? D had the idea that we could be working out together, sounds like a plan. I suck at doing stuff on my own, I need someone to poke me, and so does he. And we both love to poke each other and to compete in everything. *happy thoughts tonight*

Now back to my Art History Portfolio... It's boring. I wonder what my mark in Art'll be if I just don't do it? Midterm mark was 92%, so I would probably still pass, but I'd lose the high mark.

Today I've been sleeping, and I did some baking. And watched the TV. Didn't dare go outside, it's to f*****g cold, how will I make it to school tomorrow? :O

The ice-cube is melting...

... and it's not a good thing. I panic when it gets too warm, I get agressive and I can't breathe, all I want is to hurt myself and be left alone. Freezing isn't good either, but I prefer shaking because I'm cold to shaking because I'm collapsing.

Anyways. Weekend. D was supposed to pick me up around 8 this morning, ofcourse I'm asleep. When I wake up around 9, I realise what I've missed. After a quick chat at MSN we decide he'll come back into town to pick me up, again. We do some shopping and are on our marry way out to his place. Where I fall asleep, again. This time he's supposed to wake me up in 30 minutes, I wake up a couple of hours later. Atleast he got his homework done? I should've done mine, too, but someone didn't wake me up. A bit annoying, since now I have to do it tonight or tomorrow.

Saw the Willy Wonka play tonight, since his sister is in it. Really really good play, I must say. Now I know where all the acting and singing talent I didn't got is instead ^_^

Other things to add is that I can't breathe when it's around -30 C, since something decided to hate me and give me asthma. And it's gonna be colder... I just wonder how I'll be able to get to school, when I can barely walk 50 meters, at most, to the car? In worst case I'll just have to phone in and say "I'm sorry, but I can't make it to school today, my asthma makes me unable to breathe in this cold." Wouldn't that sound funny?

Now I wanna sleep, again. But should I? It feels as if I'm doing nothing but sleeping... But if I stay awake it's not as if I'll do anything I'm supposed to either. So I might as well sleep and try to wake up tomorrow morning and do stuff then? Stupid Art History Portfolio, stupid Hamlet assignment... And I still need more hair spray, I need to fill up on minutes on my cell, and I need to get the last christmas gifts. I think I'm starting to hate christmas, all the stress and all the icky christmas carols. Not to talk about the oh so friendly spirit everybody seems to have, giving away this and that to that and this. Charity, why always around christmas? Everything is around christmas! Can't the different organisations take one season each instead...? Can't people give around all the year, and not just around christmas? Do they need a false reason to give? Or do they still belive in Santa and are afraid they won't get anything unless they do something?

I'm out of here, for now. R logged on, I wanna talk with him. And I just realised Santa is very easily misspelled as satan :D

Trig and squares

Sitting up late, again. But then, I didn't wake up until 13-ish (unless you count the 5 minuts I was awake, realising I had a migraine and called in sick to school). For once I'm acctually doing what I'm supposed to, aka, homework! That I should've had this homework done for today is another question. I'll just hand it in tomorrow when I'm there :)

Sometimes homework makes me happy, 'cause I feel I'm doing something good, and learing from it. It makes me happy when I realise I acctually know how to do this, how to change the basic formulas into the forumla I want. So I'm in a happy mood, math is fun! :D

Realised some day ago this blog this far has sounded pretty depressed, and that gives the image of me being pretty depressed. That's not the case, I'm just using this blog to let out all my depressing feelings and stuff. I'm happy, too. Maybe I should listen more to Assemblage 23? That, if something, makes me happy! The concert this summer was greatgreatgreat, even though some stupid motherfucking bitch stole my boots the night before >.< (they came back, luckily, a couple of days later, my friends camp had really nice neighbours who remembered me missing them and when they found a pair of boots which matched with the description they just took them to the camp for me. That kinda things makes me want to have faith in humanity)

Assemblage 23 @ Arvikafestivalen 2008

Anxiety?

Yet another weekend is over, and as usual I havn't done ANYTHING of what I was supposed to do. Still got loads of homework, still need to do this and that. Feels as if all I'm good at is spending money. Should make a budget... I try to make one in my head, but there's always exceptions. I need this and that, and that and this. For once I want to sleep, and I'm not that tired, and it's only midnight. Maybe because I've realised I won't do anything I should tonight, so I might as well sleep instead? So part of me want to do what I should, and part of me want to sleep. Part of me is feeling anxiety over me not doing what I should, and spending more money than I should. Great.

I realised only some day ago what it acctually is I've been feeling every now and then for the latest year or so. When I looked it up, what anxiety really is. The description fits me perfectly. Shaking, sweating, easily annoyed (in my case I'm mean to everybody), my heart starts racing and I can't breath. Havn't felt it for a while, not since I got here, until friday. Before that I've had it every now and then, and I was hoping I'd left it at home, I didn't want to bring it. I'll just have to try to keep in control of myself, I guess. Maybe look into it when I get home. Starting to realise I've got a lot of stuff to take care of when I get home, and I feel sick just thinking about it. But atleast I'll have one home, not two, not as it's been for the last 11 years... Eventually things will turn out good, eventually. Just need to give it time, need to survive through it. This is my vaccation.

Staying away

Today was a fairly good day, until I got home. And talked with him. Which usually makes me happy, but some words just hurt. Alot. "All I know is that I need to stay away from you." Fine. I'll stay fucking away. It's an ocean in between, is that far enough? And even better, I blocked you. And signed out. So yes, I'm staying away. I hope you're happy now.

Now I'll bury myself in a book, or a game. Or use some of the energy I get from being angry to clean my room. I've got kiwis. Kiwis are good, they won't tell me they need to stay away from me. I miss my fishes. So damn much.

5 months ago

You stole more than a chair. It was a good night. I miss the night.

But last night was good, too. Even though it started out with a slight mental breakdown on my behalf. I hate when the panic comes, when I can't breath, when all my body is shaking. For what reason? I don't know. But you made it good, and I'm sorry I was mean. You do mean alot to me, and I need you to be there for me now, to hold me, to make the pain go away temporarily.

And I ate both breakfast and lunch today, and dinner. Must be first time in months or so? Atleast something is going the right way. Now I just have to convince all parts of my head that it's the way it's supposed to be. Only problem is my mind is very stubborn, and now it has to fight itself.

I'm tired, I wanna sleep. Do I dare to?

My heart skips a beat

Great, torn in two. Over a stupid matter. Should I, or should I not, go and make myslef some popcorn? Parts of me want to, it tastes good, and it can't be that bad to have it only once more. Another part of me is saying that I already ate cookies today, so I shouldn't have popcorn too, that I need to think about what I eat. I'm afraid of falling back into old patterns, but I'm afraid to gain the body I don't want.

And I'm back to tears. My heart skips a beat as soon as I see a trace of him, tears come automatically when I talk with him. Even though I shouldn't, he wants to be alone. I want to leave him alone but I don't know if I can. It feels wrong. Wrong not to have him, but still wanting to be his. Wrong to be sad, since it's all my fault. Wrong to seek comfort in the arms of another, who's there, even though he knows, do I fail him by doing so? Do I fail both of them?

Part of me is calling out even stronger for popcorn, telling me it'll make me feel better, that I deserve it. That I can't think about everything at the same time. The other part of me is holding me down, smacking me in my face, telling me that it'll only get worse if I get those popcorns. Because then I'll feel bad about them, too. But I want them. And I don't want to want them. Always the same, me being unable to restrain myself, ending up with me hurting myself, and others.

Maybe I just should go to sleep and try to forget about it. But sleep means dreams. Bad dreams. Last night I dreamt that they cut of my leg. I couldn't walk any longer. There was only one solution left, suicide. Too late they told me I could get a robot leg/foot, and still be able to walk and hike mountains. Or I'll just dream about the summer, and want to get away from the winter even more badly. Not that I mind the winter, but I'm trapped at nights. My leg hurts, I think it's because of the cold. It's aching, as if I've been using it too much, as if I've sprained it. It makes me worried, will the pain ever go away? Only a matter of seconds... 2 seconds either way and it would've never happened. I blame myself, I blame the cop, I blame the dark, I blame the poor streetlights, I blame the hospital. But in the end, it'll only affect me. And that in a negative way.

Still no decision made about popcorn, but atleast V's talking with me. Even if it's only with "mm.."s and the like. And D didn't even come online tonight, but he was really tired in school so I don't blame him, and he had to work late. But work means money, money is good. But work also means more stress, less sleep, less spare time to do what one want to do, less time to spend with people one ought to spend time with, that is bad. My brain is a mess and I just have to empty all of it out and clean it up again. Atleast try to. Covenant will help me. I hope. And I realise it's in times like this I want to be able to belive.

Kiwi!

Today was better, not good, but not that bad either. Making progress with the painting, but J still looks like a troll. Green hair and blueish skin, along with very defined muscles. Thing is, he looks better in the painting than irl >.< (he's goodlooking, he's got a nice body, he just needs to show it)

Trying to be healthier, as in not eating cookies, as in eating fruit instead. Considering I don't really like fruit, at all, and never have, it's gonna be interesting. I like, or love, kiwi though. So that's what I'm gonna go for. But ofcourse, went out to the kitchen to get my kiwis, and had to snatch a short-bread cookie. Damn hostmom, making all of these good cookies... But still, I'm eating a kiwi! Well, two acctually! Point being: I'm eating, and it's not chocolate!

Kiwi!

Apart from eating kiwi, I have written christmascards. Go me! Also, I've tried to find a box the right size for the gifts for back home... Didn't really manage to find one... Oh well, I've got until the 8th to send them :)

Now... Maybe homework awaits. Maybe just a book... Want to finisht that serie I've been reading since 8th grade (in 12th now...). Yes I've had a couple of breaks in reading it.

To-buy list:

• Batteries for camera
• International post-stamps
• Christmasgifts for the people here
• Wintercoat...

Flying fish <3

Air Art from flip on Vimeo.

Lullaby

Inacceptance, intolerance
Swollen eyes and a headache

In the far distance

The world,

As I know it,
Is falling to pieces.

Reaching out

Trying to help

Trying to be the helped one.

Stupidity,

Non-thinking zombies,

No opinions, no own thoughts.

Future,

It looks dark now.

The wind is singing

A lullaby

About tearing the world apart.

I listen.

I hide.

I sleep.

I wake up,

Screaming.

And I fell to pieces

I think my life hates me. If that's possible, I don't know. The last drop came today, ironic enough was it only a physics exam, and I passed it. But still...

I thought I was over with breaking down during classes when I was out of 9th grade and that stupid fucking school, but obviously not. Why is it that whenever we get an exam back, the teacher realises that he's marked the answer wrong on one of the questions. The other guys then gets the point for it, and I just lose mine. Great. 62% is not good. Spent lunch at the washrooms, redoing my make-up, spent 4th period with the counselor. She's nice, really is, and she reminds me of the counselor at my old highschool. Then I had to redo my makeup, again. 3rd time on one day I put it on, a little too much I think. Math in 5th, didn't write the exam. I was hoping I'd be able to do some studying yesterday, but no. So now I'm gonna write it tomorrow instead. So I should study. And I should write christmas cards.

And there's still the Hamlet assignment, and the Art History Portfolio. I don't want to. I want to sleep. Think I'm gonna go to sleep now, and just... sleep... Sleep is good when I don't feel good. I'm out of chocolate now. Not good. Hope I'll get some more later on this month. 3 weeks to my 18th birthday. Right now I don't wanna do anything then, just stay in bed. Celebrate 18 years of what? Failure? One thing was good about today, J gave me a hug. He's nice, and I needed the hug. Why does a hug always mean more when it's from someone who usually don't hug you?

There was this guy from the army outside the office during lunch today. I wanted to talk with him, to tell him what I think of war, what I think of sending people out to a certain death and still mourn them when they die. D stopped me. Again. Probably a good thing, might have gone slightly out of control considering my state of mind. But it makes me happy, messing with stupid people. Might get the chance to do that tomorrow morning, if I'm lucky. As if I will be...

V doesn't want to talk with me, or so I take it. Not that he wants to talk with anyone, but, it hurts. I had dreams tonight, about being home again, about summer.

Stupidity of mankind

It's night, again, and I've already been sleeping, again. From the noise of the wind outside, some weathergod is trying to tear the world apart. As if my world has a huge need of getting even more ripped to pieces.

Stepsister at hospital for not eating, I can handle that.
Cousin at mental hospital, why I do not know, I can handle that.
Christmas stress, I can handle that.
I lose you, I hope I can handle that.
But when everything happens at once? I need a new processor, this one is overheated, it just broke. I'm turning into a weak, sobbing creature. I hate it. I hate to look at myself and see what I have become.

Math exam coming up later today, and I should study a little. But I just wanna sleep. I want the wind to sing me the lullaby, to tell me it doesn't matter, to tell me it can heal again, to tell me he'll steal my chair again.

Inacceptance. Intolerance. I hate those words. I can stand stupid people, I truly can, as long as they fucking accept me for who I am. I can't stand smart or intelligent people, I truly can't, as long as they won't accept me for who I am.

We had quite an argument in english class yesteday morning. The subject was human morals. Me and D share a lot of opinions, and we both love discussing. But what kind of discussion is it, when the other sides argument is screaming "YOU'RE DISGUISTING!" or "Don't even go there!". Is that arguments which supports their opinion? Or is it just weakness? They have no opinion, so they say what they belive is right. We ask them why they have that opinion, they can't answer. We ask them if there's a clear line between wrong and right, and they go against what they said before. I think it was only me and D in that whole class, who acctually had an opinion and was able to argue for it, to bring forth valid arguments. And that makes me sad. How are they gonna survive if they can't stand up for their opinions? If they have no opinions? They'll never make it. The guy who's into politics, was one of them who was so lost in what we talked about. Who asked if we could go back to the discussion about the book (Lord of the Flies) instead. He didn't realise what the book was about. Will he ever be a good politican? No. Will he ever be a good leader? No. I know I'll be a good one, considering some qualities. I also know I'll be a horrible one, considering some other qualities. So I'll just keep to speaking my mind, and if I make one person think for itself, then I've made a change to the world. But it's a dark future, from what I can see here. Inacceptance. Intolerance. The only good thing I can even think about is that no-one involved God in it. If anyone would've done that, I have no idea what would've happened. Me and D would most likely kill that person mentally. It's gonna be fun tomorrow, if we continue the discussion.

Would you save your own life, instead of the lives of 100'000 random babies? Would you consider Hitler being a good leader? Would you eat the flesh of your dead friend, if that's the only way you will survive?

I can accept and tolerate a lot of persons, if they accept and tolerate me. I can accept and tolerate a lof of persons opinions, if they accept and tolerate mine. I can accept and tolerate a lot of persons religions, if they accept and tolerate my lack of one.

Dunno what you've got

until you lose it. Proven. Again.

And it hurts so badly, when something you really want is taken from you. But who am I to complain? I've still got the other cake.

I sometimes wonder if I should just skip cakes for a while, maybe forever?

And now I'll sleep, make the time pass by. Want to spin it backwards, want to fast forward it. Everything but now.

För helvete, jag tror nästan jag älskar dig.

Don't panic

I woke up at 8. Yesterday. Pm. 28 hours ago. After 2½ hour of sleep. Great, isn't it?

Physics exam coming up on friday, math exam on tuesday next week. Art History Portfolio and Hamlet assignment to finish before christmasbreak. Lord of the Flies assignment-ish for tomorrow. But my brain can't think now. Gonna take that shower and then try to sleep. Sleep is sometimes good. I admit it. But usually it isn't.

An odd thing happened today, I ate breakfast. For the first time in forever. But then I never really did sleep either, so I had the time to do it.

For some strange reason my mind tells me it's weekend tomorrow, that it's friday today. I can always wish, but I have to get through 2 more days of school, yay.

Trying to tell myself not to panic, panic is no good. I've got good grades in everything, and both physics and math is getting easier now than a month ago. Atleast it feels so. I hope it is.

Osammanhängande rappakalja, skit samma.

Ice-attack

Sunday evening. This last week went by so fast, it's getting kind of scary how time just seems to fly away from me.

Went to the movies with B on friday night, ofcourse we went to Twilight. We were there around 2 hours before the show was on, and minuts after we arrived the lineup was acctually pretty big. Honestly I don't get the hysteria about it, the book wasn't THAT good, but I guess, teenage romance + vampires... And it's not as if I had anything better to do those hours, so why not be there in time and get a good seat? The movies was acctually really good, and, very sexy, without having any sex at all in it. Didn't care much for the book, but I'll probably download or buy the movie... After the movie was over we just about had the time to run over to shoppers 5 minuts before they closed at midnight. Get some snacks for the rest of the night and then a cab home. (last time I went to the movies with B, a cop run me over on my way home). True Blood for 2 hours and then we fell asleep.

More or less slept through the rest of the weekend, with the exception of sunday afternoon. Accidently got stabbed by D in the tigh while playing with swords, though not bad and I only realised when I was preparing for the night. But I guess we're even since I later on broke his glasses (he tickled me, so it's not only my fault). Ate way too much, my stomach is a little too full now and doesn't like me.

As usual I should've spent the weekend doing homework I never do during school weeks, but hey, I can do that next weekend, right? (as if...) It's only some math, and we're not having an exam tomorrow so it should be O K, and there's art, but I'm at 94% so if my rough drawing is a day or two late that shouldn't matter that much? Reminds me I have to talk to someone in charge about next semester, I really really really wanna take Art 30 (can someone remind me please *hinthint*)

Oh, yeah, I don't like ice. It attacks me and makes me hurt my knee and wrist!

Starting to miss the summer a bit, it was a good summer. And the only ice was the ice in the drinks and up in the mountains.

Why some people shouldn't be teachers...

Another day's over, and it's time for the usual slightly anxiety-ridden reflections. Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? Why did I do THAT? Should I do that? Should I try to talk with him? Stupid questions spinning around in my head.

Woke up late, as usual. For some reason I never wake up when the alarm goes off between 6.30 and 9 in the morning. Never. If it's earlier or later, then sure, but never during that interval when I really do need to wake up. So I got late to school. The only time I'm not late for school is when I don't sleep.

There was an incident in art class today, which really got to me. I was not really in the best of moods, probably because I really don't like the assignment we're working on. We're supposed to draw a scene symbolising our every-day life, egyptian style. Why I don't like that I don't really know for sure, but I've got a few theories. It might be because we have to expose ourselves a little too much, we are only teenagers, we are vulnerable (but ofcourse we pretend we're not). And to draw a scene out of our life, we need to think about our lives. Think about what is important to us. And that's not something you want to do during class. It's not something we like doing at all. Atleast not some of us. I almost had a mental breakdown trying to figure out what to draw, trying to explain to the teacher why I was stuck. Because I have no interesting every-day life, not something I want to tell the world about.

There's this guy at my table, I never can remember his name (which annoys me, because I really should). He might not be the brightest kid in school, but he's nice. I like talking with him, and for some reason I see myself a couple of years ago in him. And I don't think he's feeling to good, I don't think he's got too much of a self confidence. And he's come to the point where you can't really hide it. Been there, done that. The teacher asked what he was drawing, and he didn't want to tell. Why not? the teacher asked. Because I don't want to tell you, you've got nothing to do with it. Why not? the teacher asked, again. Because I'm in hell right now. And then the stupid teacher starts talking about the river you travel on, and that if an art class is hell, hell isn't that bad really. I wanted to step in, to say that what hell really is, is very individual. It's not impossible at all that an art class is hell for one person. But the teacher couldn't see that, at all, and continued going on about that this isn't hell, yada yada yada. I was so mad, why couldn't he just drop the subject? Why couldn't he just move on. The guys voice changed, the way it does when someone is about to cry, willingly or not. I heard that change, and I'm suprised if the teacher didn't. If he didn't notice, he really shouldn't be a teacher. And if he did notice, and didn't care, he's a stupid bully. Either way I lost all of my respect for that teacher in that moment. Probably should add that this isn't the regular art teacher, but one we've got for this assignment only.

Question is what I should do. Should I talk with this guy, whose name I don't even know? Or should I just let go of it? Or hope that I'll be around the next time it happens and then say something? Big reflection of the night, that is I guess.

Otherwise today was a pretty good day, was kick-ass this evening, two-headed giant is funfunfun, and my deck is good for it. Atleast when your starting hand is Vein Drinker and Blood Cultist, and then mana only.

I realise now I have a math quiz tomorrow, so I probably should look into that. And physics. And that big Hamlet-assignment, maybe it's time to get started on that...?

Stupid thoughs, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Playing with fire?

For random unknown reason I got a song stuck in my head right before I planned to go to bed. Brolle JR - Playing with fire. I know I liked the song when it came out a couple of years ago (after a little research I realise it was 6 years ago), but forgot about it until now. I think we have the single laying around somewhere at my mothers house, not sure though. Next thing I knew I was on youtube, finding the song, and then I was at TPB, downloading it. Don't you just love when it takes 3 minutes to download something? :D

Now I'm going to bed, I think. Might read for a little bit, question is, Vampire Hunter? Cheysuli? Or maybe Before They Are Hanged? I SHOULD finish the Cheysuli-chronicles, started reading them in 8th grade, am in 12th now. So I guess that's the choice then? Or...?

Always on my mind

I'm impressed by myself, I acctually did something I was supposed to today! Health service-papers and copies of passport etc are put on the mailbox, and so is the birthdaypresent for my mother. And I didn't fall asleep in school. And I studied during both physics and math. And I was in time, even though I was tired as hell this morning.

Still confused about what to do, since obviously I can't have what I want. Very annoying to be stuck with these thoughts all day, my head is spinning and I'm feeling sick. My feelings for you doesn't change because of it, I still want you, still need you.

Should do some homework, probably should do alot more things than I'm doing. But atleast now my catfish is the wallpaper on my cell, and Sex, Drogen und Industri is my alarm tone. And Soul of Ice is my ringtone. Thought my cell needed a bit of updating. I havn't had it for 2 years even, and I'm already thinking of buying a new one. But that'll have to wait, I need a HUGE aquarium and a gaming computer first.

The t-key on my keyboard is acting weird, it takes alot more effort to press that one than to press the others, I hope it'll fix itself eventually. Honestly I'm tired of having to send this laptop back and forth to get it fixed for this and that...

Dubbelsided mirror

No-one ever said it should be easy, so why am I expecting it to be? Life's learning me a big lesson now, and I can but hope I won't fall asleep. Guess there's one lesson we're all being told over and over again, a lesson a know I'm telling people around me, which I want them to learn. Think. Only to realise maybe I should've done my homework a little better. 'Cause I obviously failed the exam.

Weekend, again.

And there yet another weekend went past, once again without me doing any of the things I was supposed to. Homework? Done none of it. Got my healthcard-papers together? Done none of it. Not that I'm suprised, more like dissappointed in myself. Spent almost all of saturday in bed, either asleep or just in bed, reading and gaming. Sunday I acctually didn't spend all of in bed, went to Saskatoon, watched parts of D's fencingtournament (he probably loves the fact that I'm refering to him as D). Started out on another picture, big suprise, huh? Might show up here once I'm done with it.

Realised that I'm starting to spin downwards again, not very pleasant, and I also realised I'm afraid of falling asleep. Mostly becase I'm afraid that I won't wake up and I'll be late for something. Atleast that's my theory, because I don't really have trouble taking a nap when I'm home from school. Only problem there is that I'll wake up at 9 or 10, unable to sleep because it's getting to the night already. Great. Somniphobia?

I probably should try to get some sleep now, might succed, might not. And then I can always tell myself that I'm gonna do some math tomorrow morning. As if. But my mind belives it, for now atleast. Hopefully I can fall asleep before it starts panicing about it.

And I miss you. As in you.

Migraine, sleep and cupcakes

Woke up when the alarm went off, at 7-ish this morning. Had the same devilish headache as I had when I went to sleep yesterday (I acctually got some sleep!), and I felt sick. Yay! Wrote a note for my hostmom to call the school and inform them about that I'd be absent today, and then went back to sleep. When I woke up at 16-ish I still had that headache, great. Usually when I get a headache it goes away if I sleep an hour or two, but 16 hours and still trying to kill me? Ate a little and went back to bed, couldn't fall asleep though. Now it's almost gone, and I'm addicted to those cupcakes, chocolate with a lot of icing. And to popcorn.

Obviously I didn't miss anything in school except for D raping the guys in Magic during lunch (why do they never learn that they have to kill him first...?) and that J wore shiny pants. Though I'm not sure about the last one, he might have said that just to mess with me.

Now I'm trying to read Twilight, yes, romantic-teenage-vampire-stuff, which somehting in me doesn't like but still I like the book and can relate to it. Moving to an all-new place, from a big (atleast not small) town to a small town, though my high school here is acctually smaller than the one in the book. And being in a car accident? Been there, done that. Though the police run over me, and was not my father. Eh... Yes. Finished off a bowl of popcorn, again, and am thinking about making more of them.

Should dye my hair, the pink is washing out, again, and my roots are starting to show... Maybe I'll do that tomorrow? Also realised that no-one (as far as I know) is reading this, I've got 7 pageviews, but that might just as well be random people. So if you read you can atleast tell me you're reading? Or leave a comment? (Hi comment addiction!) Then there's the whole thing with do I really want everybody to read this, yada yada yada? Will anyone even care? Or do I just think I'm more important than I am? Anyhow, might give the link to a couple of persons, having nothing better to do.


The picture atop is a drawing I made yesterday, while at Tramp's. My brain was not in any shape to play Magic, and my legs doesn't really like just standing around. So I sat on the floor with my drawing tools and the Blood Cultist card. Add the Fists of the Demigod card to the Blood Cultist and you have a really nice combo :)

The missing of a friend

Another night spent on the computer, can't really say that I'm suprised. Though I actually got 3 hours of sleep last evening. Atleast something. Can't really seem to be able to sleep for longer periods, not without nightmares, not without being really slow and tired the day after. I probably should look into it sometime, but not now. Later.

H was online, havn't talked to him in a while. I miss him, really miss him. I remember last time I saw him, the day before he left. We walked to the bus station, all prepared to say goodbye at the bus and everything. Got there in time, waited, the bus came, and the bus drove right by us. That was the last bus for the night. Phone his parents, start walking back towards my house, I needed to get back sooner or later so he might as well keep me company for part of the way. His parents arrived, we said goodbye, told each other we loved each other, that we would see each other again in a year. And then I walked home, alone. Empty. Found his scarf on my room that night, decided to bring it to Canada. Now i wear it everyday in this snow and cold (which isn't really cold people tell me). Point being: I miss him. Imagine living a 10 minuts drive away from each other, being able to see each other whenever. And then suddenly he's in New Zeeland, and then you are in Canada. Almost a day apart in time difference. 19 hours to be more exact.

Hamlet's waiting for me, need to study those quotes for the test we're having in a little more than 3 hours. Maybe I should do some math as well? Planned on doing both Hamlet, math and physics, but physics can forget about it. No priority there, I can do it in school later today (yeah right...). Sometimes I just love how easily I can lie to myself, and accept it, knowing that I'm doing it. D probably won't be able to stick around after school, and no Magic for him tonight either, for the 2nd time in a row. Because he has to drive his brother and cousin to paintballpractice. Giving up his spare time activity for theirs? Sometimes I just don't get it, how he can not say no. But I guess he's a kinder person than I am. And he'll be gone all weekend, no fun for me.

One big question left: Should I head down to WalMart or Superstore before school and get some coke? Or should I try to make the day without it?

D

Because sometimes you can't be mad anymore, because what he says just takes the edge off everything.

And there I just admitted it to myself. I am in love.

The guns will be silent.

"Remembrance Day is a day to commemorate the sacrifices of members of the armed forces and of civilians in times of war, specifically since the First World War. It is observed on 11 November to recall the end of World War I on that date in 1918." That's what Wikipedia says. I know we are not supposed to trust Wikipedia, atleast so our teachers tells us. (and still http://www.srsd119.ca/ copies the information above from Wikipedia, funny, isn't it?)

So, we're supposed to remember all the guys who died in the wars. Why? Why war? Why be sad about dead people? Send people into war and ofcourse a couple of them will come back in body bags. And it's not as if anybody at all, ever, learns their lesson. They keep sending people into war, people keep coming home in body bags. We're supposed to be sorry for them, for the great loss of young and strong men. I am not. You choose to join the army. The government choose to send you into war. Stand up for your actions, don't act like you didn't knew they were gonna die, don't act as if you're acctually sorry for them. I don't care about soldiers who die. I don't care about soldiers who get wounded for life. They choose to. I care about the civilians who have nowhere to go when you drop the bombs. I care about the forests you ruin with acids. I care about the animals who no longer have a place to live.

So, I just wonder, why are we supposed to remember? Because obviously no-one learns a sh*t from the history. Is there any use to have a history when it repeats itself again?

Changing the subject slightly now...

Spent the day and evening playing Neverwinter Nights, then got stuck talking with a friend and with my sister. D was obviously too stupid (again) to realise what I wanted. He really is the most stupid smart guy I've ever met.
"Got any plans for the night after you're off work?"
"No, why?"
"I was thinking maybe we could meet?"
"Uh, I gotta pick up my cousin and bring him back to our place when I'm off, so I can't tonight. Maybe tomorrow?"
Not the exact words maybe, but still... What if I wanted him to pick me up as well? And bring me as well back to their place? Makes me frustrated. And then he couldn't come online after he got home either, not that I asked him (I was playing NWN) if he was online even though his status was offline (he usually is online all the time), but neither did he write anything to me. So now I'll try to keep myself from contacting him, most likely I'll fail, as usual. Time'll tell.

Other things about today (or yesterday I guess):

• After almost 3 months in Canada I've finally got myself a canadian cell phone number!
• 3 random persons came up to me and told me they loved my coat (only 1 person did that yesterday)
• I havn't done any of the home work I planned to do, or well, parts of me planned to do.

That's it for now. Big question? Read Vampire Hunter D or watch True Blood? Or skip both of it and sleep? :S

Layout.

I've got the skills! A bit of fooling around with settings, and there, all of a sudden the menu bar I needed and recognized from earlier. And ta'da, the layout is modified. This will do for now, how it'll turn out later on I have no idea. The layout fits the theme atleast, right? :)

And NOW, maybe I can get some peace of mind and kill some more goblins?

Layout?

This is all very confusing, I can't change the layout. I mean, I can change the template, but I can't edit the one I've chosen. I know I should be able to do that, right? Probably I'm just blind and totally missing out on something, might try tomorrow instead.

Guess that doesn't leave a lot for me to do for now, not here anyways. Probably I'll end up playing Neverwinter Nights (1, not 2) for the rest of the night, now that I've acctually got a good mouse for my laptop. Got bored of the touchpad some week ago and bought myself a nice DeathAdder *happydance*

So, yes, anything else I should say? Some facts about me?

• I'm addicted to chocolate, caffine and hugs.
• I've got 2 boyfriends (yes, they know about each other, and no, I don't need a third one)
• I also love fishes.
• I'm very good at not sleeping at night.
• I'm a little too good at sleepeing during period 3 and 5, aka physics and math.
• English is my second language.

Night Owl

So, yes, I've got a blog. Dunno how many times I've tried to keep one alive, I always seem to fail. Might give this a shot, see how it turns out. And this post is only posted so that I'm able to change layout a bit more and stuff, so nothing serious in here yet ;-)