My heart skips a beat

Great, torn in two. Over a stupid matter. Should I, or should I not, go and make myslef some popcorn? Parts of me want to, it tastes good, and it can't be that bad to have it only once more. Another part of me is saying that I already ate cookies today, so I shouldn't have popcorn too, that I need to think about what I eat. I'm afraid of falling back into old patterns, but I'm afraid to gain the body I don't want.

And I'm back to tears. My heart skips a beat as soon as I see a trace of him, tears come automatically when I talk with him. Even though I shouldn't, he wants to be alone. I want to leave him alone but I don't know if I can. It feels wrong. Wrong not to have him, but still wanting to be his. Wrong to be sad, since it's all my fault. Wrong to seek comfort in the arms of another, who's there, even though he knows, do I fail him by doing so? Do I fail both of them?

Part of me is calling out even stronger for popcorn, telling me it'll make me feel better, that I deserve it. That I can't think about everything at the same time. The other part of me is holding me down, smacking me in my face, telling me that it'll only get worse if I get those popcorns. Because then I'll feel bad about them, too. But I want them. And I don't want to want them. Always the same, me being unable to restrain myself, ending up with me hurting myself, and others.

Maybe I just should go to sleep and try to forget about it. But sleep means dreams. Bad dreams. Last night I dreamt that they cut of my leg. I couldn't walk any longer. There was only one solution left, suicide. Too late they told me I could get a robot leg/foot, and still be able to walk and hike mountains. Or I'll just dream about the summer, and want to get away from the winter even more badly. Not that I mind the winter, but I'm trapped at nights. My leg hurts, I think it's because of the cold. It's aching, as if I've been using it too much, as if I've sprained it. It makes me worried, will the pain ever go away? Only a matter of seconds... 2 seconds either way and it would've never happened. I blame myself, I blame the cop, I blame the dark, I blame the poor streetlights, I blame the hospital. But in the end, it'll only affect me. And that in a negative way.

Still no decision made about popcorn, but atleast V's talking with me. Even if it's only with "mm.."s and the like. And D didn't even come online tonight, but he was really tired in school so I don't blame him, and he had to work late. But work means money, money is good. But work also means more stress, less sleep, less spare time to do what one want to do, less time to spend with people one ought to spend time with, that is bad. My brain is a mess and I just have to empty all of it out and clean it up again. Atleast try to. Covenant will help me. I hope. And I realise it's in times like this I want to be able to belive.