Don't panic

I woke up at 8. Yesterday. Pm. 28 hours ago. After 2½ hour of sleep. Great, isn't it?

Physics exam coming up on friday, math exam on tuesday next week. Art History Portfolio and Hamlet assignment to finish before christmasbreak. Lord of the Flies assignment-ish for tomorrow. But my brain can't think now. Gonna take that shower and then try to sleep. Sleep is sometimes good. I admit it. But usually it isn't.

An odd thing happened today, I ate breakfast. For the first time in forever. But then I never really did sleep either, so I had the time to do it.

For some strange reason my mind tells me it's weekend tomorrow, that it's friday today. I can always wish, but I have to get through 2 more days of school, yay.

Trying to tell myself not to panic, panic is no good. I've got good grades in everything, and both physics and math is getting easier now than a month ago. Atleast it feels so. I hope it is.

Osammanhängande rappakalja, skit samma.

Ice-attack

Sunday evening. This last week went by so fast, it's getting kind of scary how time just seems to fly away from me.

Went to the movies with B on friday night, ofcourse we went to Twilight. We were there around 2 hours before the show was on, and minuts after we arrived the lineup was acctually pretty big. Honestly I don't get the hysteria about it, the book wasn't THAT good, but I guess, teenage romance + vampires... And it's not as if I had anything better to do those hours, so why not be there in time and get a good seat? The movies was acctually really good, and, very sexy, without having any sex at all in it. Didn't care much for the book, but I'll probably download or buy the movie... After the movie was over we just about had the time to run over to shoppers 5 minuts before they closed at midnight. Get some snacks for the rest of the night and then a cab home. (last time I went to the movies with B, a cop run me over on my way home). True Blood for 2 hours and then we fell asleep.

More or less slept through the rest of the weekend, with the exception of sunday afternoon. Accidently got stabbed by D in the tigh while playing with swords, though not bad and I only realised when I was preparing for the night. But I guess we're even since I later on broke his glasses (he tickled me, so it's not only my fault). Ate way too much, my stomach is a little too full now and doesn't like me.

As usual I should've spent the weekend doing homework I never do during school weeks, but hey, I can do that next weekend, right? (as if...) It's only some math, and we're not having an exam tomorrow so it should be O K, and there's art, but I'm at 94% so if my rough drawing is a day or two late that shouldn't matter that much? Reminds me I have to talk to someone in charge about next semester, I really really really wanna take Art 30 (can someone remind me please *hinthint*)

Oh, yeah, I don't like ice. It attacks me and makes me hurt my knee and wrist!

Starting to miss the summer a bit, it was a good summer. And the only ice was the ice in the drinks and up in the mountains.

Why some people shouldn't be teachers...

Another day's over, and it's time for the usual slightly anxiety-ridden reflections. Why didn't I do this? Why didn't I do that? Why did I do THAT? Should I do that? Should I try to talk with him? Stupid questions spinning around in my head.

Woke up late, as usual. For some reason I never wake up when the alarm goes off between 6.30 and 9 in the morning. Never. If it's earlier or later, then sure, but never during that interval when I really do need to wake up. So I got late to school. The only time I'm not late for school is when I don't sleep.

There was an incident in art class today, which really got to me. I was not really in the best of moods, probably because I really don't like the assignment we're working on. We're supposed to draw a scene symbolising our every-day life, egyptian style. Why I don't like that I don't really know for sure, but I've got a few theories. It might be because we have to expose ourselves a little too much, we are only teenagers, we are vulnerable (but ofcourse we pretend we're not). And to draw a scene out of our life, we need to think about our lives. Think about what is important to us. And that's not something you want to do during class. It's not something we like doing at all. Atleast not some of us. I almost had a mental breakdown trying to figure out what to draw, trying to explain to the teacher why I was stuck. Because I have no interesting every-day life, not something I want to tell the world about.

There's this guy at my table, I never can remember his name (which annoys me, because I really should). He might not be the brightest kid in school, but he's nice. I like talking with him, and for some reason I see myself a couple of years ago in him. And I don't think he's feeling to good, I don't think he's got too much of a self confidence. And he's come to the point where you can't really hide it. Been there, done that. The teacher asked what he was drawing, and he didn't want to tell. Why not? the teacher asked. Because I don't want to tell you, you've got nothing to do with it. Why not? the teacher asked, again. Because I'm in hell right now. And then the stupid teacher starts talking about the river you travel on, and that if an art class is hell, hell isn't that bad really. I wanted to step in, to say that what hell really is, is very individual. It's not impossible at all that an art class is hell for one person. But the teacher couldn't see that, at all, and continued going on about that this isn't hell, yada yada yada. I was so mad, why couldn't he just drop the subject? Why couldn't he just move on. The guys voice changed, the way it does when someone is about to cry, willingly or not. I heard that change, and I'm suprised if the teacher didn't. If he didn't notice, he really shouldn't be a teacher. And if he did notice, and didn't care, he's a stupid bully. Either way I lost all of my respect for that teacher in that moment. Probably should add that this isn't the regular art teacher, but one we've got for this assignment only.

Question is what I should do. Should I talk with this guy, whose name I don't even know? Or should I just let go of it? Or hope that I'll be around the next time it happens and then say something? Big reflection of the night, that is I guess.

Otherwise today was a pretty good day, was kick-ass this evening, two-headed giant is funfunfun, and my deck is good for it. Atleast when your starting hand is Vein Drinker and Blood Cultist, and then mana only.

I realise now I have a math quiz tomorrow, so I probably should look into that. And physics. And that big Hamlet-assignment, maybe it's time to get started on that...?

Stupid thoughs, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

Playing with fire?

For random unknown reason I got a song stuck in my head right before I planned to go to bed. Brolle JR - Playing with fire. I know I liked the song when it came out a couple of years ago (after a little research I realise it was 6 years ago), but forgot about it until now. I think we have the single laying around somewhere at my mothers house, not sure though. Next thing I knew I was on youtube, finding the song, and then I was at TPB, downloading it. Don't you just love when it takes 3 minutes to download something? :D

Now I'm going to bed, I think. Might read for a little bit, question is, Vampire Hunter? Cheysuli? Or maybe Before They Are Hanged? I SHOULD finish the Cheysuli-chronicles, started reading them in 8th grade, am in 12th now. So I guess that's the choice then? Or...?

Always on my mind

I'm impressed by myself, I acctually did something I was supposed to today! Health service-papers and copies of passport etc are put on the mailbox, and so is the birthdaypresent for my mother. And I didn't fall asleep in school. And I studied during both physics and math. And I was in time, even though I was tired as hell this morning.

Still confused about what to do, since obviously I can't have what I want. Very annoying to be stuck with these thoughts all day, my head is spinning and I'm feeling sick. My feelings for you doesn't change because of it, I still want you, still need you.

Should do some homework, probably should do alot more things than I'm doing. But atleast now my catfish is the wallpaper on my cell, and Sex, Drogen und Industri is my alarm tone. And Soul of Ice is my ringtone. Thought my cell needed a bit of updating. I havn't had it for 2 years even, and I'm already thinking of buying a new one. But that'll have to wait, I need a HUGE aquarium and a gaming computer first.

The t-key on my keyboard is acting weird, it takes alot more effort to press that one than to press the others, I hope it'll fix itself eventually. Honestly I'm tired of having to send this laptop back and forth to get it fixed for this and that...

Dubbelsided mirror

No-one ever said it should be easy, so why am I expecting it to be? Life's learning me a big lesson now, and I can but hope I won't fall asleep. Guess there's one lesson we're all being told over and over again, a lesson a know I'm telling people around me, which I want them to learn. Think. Only to realise maybe I should've done my homework a little better. 'Cause I obviously failed the exam.

Weekend, again.

And there yet another weekend went past, once again without me doing any of the things I was supposed to. Homework? Done none of it. Got my healthcard-papers together? Done none of it. Not that I'm suprised, more like dissappointed in myself. Spent almost all of saturday in bed, either asleep or just in bed, reading and gaming. Sunday I acctually didn't spend all of in bed, went to Saskatoon, watched parts of D's fencingtournament (he probably loves the fact that I'm refering to him as D). Started out on another picture, big suprise, huh? Might show up here once I'm done with it.

Realised that I'm starting to spin downwards again, not very pleasant, and I also realised I'm afraid of falling asleep. Mostly becase I'm afraid that I won't wake up and I'll be late for something. Atleast that's my theory, because I don't really have trouble taking a nap when I'm home from school. Only problem there is that I'll wake up at 9 or 10, unable to sleep because it's getting to the night already. Great. Somniphobia?

I probably should try to get some sleep now, might succed, might not. And then I can always tell myself that I'm gonna do some math tomorrow morning. As if. But my mind belives it, for now atleast. Hopefully I can fall asleep before it starts panicing about it.

And I miss you. As in you.

Migraine, sleep and cupcakes

Woke up when the alarm went off, at 7-ish this morning. Had the same devilish headache as I had when I went to sleep yesterday (I acctually got some sleep!), and I felt sick. Yay! Wrote a note for my hostmom to call the school and inform them about that I'd be absent today, and then went back to sleep. When I woke up at 16-ish I still had that headache, great. Usually when I get a headache it goes away if I sleep an hour or two, but 16 hours and still trying to kill me? Ate a little and went back to bed, couldn't fall asleep though. Now it's almost gone, and I'm addicted to those cupcakes, chocolate with a lot of icing. And to popcorn.

Obviously I didn't miss anything in school except for D raping the guys in Magic during lunch (why do they never learn that they have to kill him first...?) and that J wore shiny pants. Though I'm not sure about the last one, he might have said that just to mess with me.

Now I'm trying to read Twilight, yes, romantic-teenage-vampire-stuff, which somehting in me doesn't like but still I like the book and can relate to it. Moving to an all-new place, from a big (atleast not small) town to a small town, though my high school here is acctually smaller than the one in the book. And being in a car accident? Been there, done that. Though the police run over me, and was not my father. Eh... Yes. Finished off a bowl of popcorn, again, and am thinking about making more of them.

Should dye my hair, the pink is washing out, again, and my roots are starting to show... Maybe I'll do that tomorrow? Also realised that no-one (as far as I know) is reading this, I've got 7 pageviews, but that might just as well be random people. So if you read you can atleast tell me you're reading? Or leave a comment? (Hi comment addiction!) Then there's the whole thing with do I really want everybody to read this, yada yada yada? Will anyone even care? Or do I just think I'm more important than I am? Anyhow, might give the link to a couple of persons, having nothing better to do.


The picture atop is a drawing I made yesterday, while at Tramp's. My brain was not in any shape to play Magic, and my legs doesn't really like just standing around. So I sat on the floor with my drawing tools and the Blood Cultist card. Add the Fists of the Demigod card to the Blood Cultist and you have a really nice combo :)

The missing of a friend

Another night spent on the computer, can't really say that I'm suprised. Though I actually got 3 hours of sleep last evening. Atleast something. Can't really seem to be able to sleep for longer periods, not without nightmares, not without being really slow and tired the day after. I probably should look into it sometime, but not now. Later.

H was online, havn't talked to him in a while. I miss him, really miss him. I remember last time I saw him, the day before he left. We walked to the bus station, all prepared to say goodbye at the bus and everything. Got there in time, waited, the bus came, and the bus drove right by us. That was the last bus for the night. Phone his parents, start walking back towards my house, I needed to get back sooner or later so he might as well keep me company for part of the way. His parents arrived, we said goodbye, told each other we loved each other, that we would see each other again in a year. And then I walked home, alone. Empty. Found his scarf on my room that night, decided to bring it to Canada. Now i wear it everyday in this snow and cold (which isn't really cold people tell me). Point being: I miss him. Imagine living a 10 minuts drive away from each other, being able to see each other whenever. And then suddenly he's in New Zeeland, and then you are in Canada. Almost a day apart in time difference. 19 hours to be more exact.

Hamlet's waiting for me, need to study those quotes for the test we're having in a little more than 3 hours. Maybe I should do some math as well? Planned on doing both Hamlet, math and physics, but physics can forget about it. No priority there, I can do it in school later today (yeah right...). Sometimes I just love how easily I can lie to myself, and accept it, knowing that I'm doing it. D probably won't be able to stick around after school, and no Magic for him tonight either, for the 2nd time in a row. Because he has to drive his brother and cousin to paintballpractice. Giving up his spare time activity for theirs? Sometimes I just don't get it, how he can not say no. But I guess he's a kinder person than I am. And he'll be gone all weekend, no fun for me.

One big question left: Should I head down to WalMart or Superstore before school and get some coke? Or should I try to make the day without it?

D

Because sometimes you can't be mad anymore, because what he says just takes the edge off everything.

And there I just admitted it to myself. I am in love.

The guns will be silent.

"Remembrance Day is a day to commemorate the sacrifices of members of the armed forces and of civilians in times of war, specifically since the First World War. It is observed on 11 November to recall the end of World War I on that date in 1918." That's what Wikipedia says. I know we are not supposed to trust Wikipedia, atleast so our teachers tells us. (and still http://www.srsd119.ca/ copies the information above from Wikipedia, funny, isn't it?)

So, we're supposed to remember all the guys who died in the wars. Why? Why war? Why be sad about dead people? Send people into war and ofcourse a couple of them will come back in body bags. And it's not as if anybody at all, ever, learns their lesson. They keep sending people into war, people keep coming home in body bags. We're supposed to be sorry for them, for the great loss of young and strong men. I am not. You choose to join the army. The government choose to send you into war. Stand up for your actions, don't act like you didn't knew they were gonna die, don't act as if you're acctually sorry for them. I don't care about soldiers who die. I don't care about soldiers who get wounded for life. They choose to. I care about the civilians who have nowhere to go when you drop the bombs. I care about the forests you ruin with acids. I care about the animals who no longer have a place to live.

So, I just wonder, why are we supposed to remember? Because obviously no-one learns a sh*t from the history. Is there any use to have a history when it repeats itself again?

Changing the subject slightly now...

Spent the day and evening playing Neverwinter Nights, then got stuck talking with a friend and with my sister. D was obviously too stupid (again) to realise what I wanted. He really is the most stupid smart guy I've ever met.
"Got any plans for the night after you're off work?"
"No, why?"
"I was thinking maybe we could meet?"
"Uh, I gotta pick up my cousin and bring him back to our place when I'm off, so I can't tonight. Maybe tomorrow?"
Not the exact words maybe, but still... What if I wanted him to pick me up as well? And bring me as well back to their place? Makes me frustrated. And then he couldn't come online after he got home either, not that I asked him (I was playing NWN) if he was online even though his status was offline (he usually is online all the time), but neither did he write anything to me. So now I'll try to keep myself from contacting him, most likely I'll fail, as usual. Time'll tell.

Other things about today (or yesterday I guess):

• After almost 3 months in Canada I've finally got myself a canadian cell phone number!
• 3 random persons came up to me and told me they loved my coat (only 1 person did that yesterday)
• I havn't done any of the home work I planned to do, or well, parts of me planned to do.

That's it for now. Big question? Read Vampire Hunter D or watch True Blood? Or skip both of it and sleep? :S

Layout.

I've got the skills! A bit of fooling around with settings, and there, all of a sudden the menu bar I needed and recognized from earlier. And ta'da, the layout is modified. This will do for now, how it'll turn out later on I have no idea. The layout fits the theme atleast, right? :)

And NOW, maybe I can get some peace of mind and kill some more goblins?

Layout?

This is all very confusing, I can't change the layout. I mean, I can change the template, but I can't edit the one I've chosen. I know I should be able to do that, right? Probably I'm just blind and totally missing out on something, might try tomorrow instead.

Guess that doesn't leave a lot for me to do for now, not here anyways. Probably I'll end up playing Neverwinter Nights (1, not 2) for the rest of the night, now that I've acctually got a good mouse for my laptop. Got bored of the touchpad some week ago and bought myself a nice DeathAdder *happydance*

So, yes, anything else I should say? Some facts about me?

• I'm addicted to chocolate, caffine and hugs.
• I've got 2 boyfriends (yes, they know about each other, and no, I don't need a third one)
• I also love fishes.
• I'm very good at not sleeping at night.
• I'm a little too good at sleepeing during period 3 and 5, aka physics and math.
• English is my second language.

Night Owl

So, yes, I've got a blog. Dunno how many times I've tried to keep one alive, I always seem to fail. Might give this a shot, see how it turns out. And this post is only posted so that I'm able to change layout a bit more and stuff, so nothing serious in here yet ;-)