I have a plan

Not that I'm sure it's a good plan, but it feels right, until I start thinking too much about it. Then it just kinda feels evil, mean, bitchy, you name it. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. And yes, I'm a girl. Not very girly all the time, but still a girl.

I got a new camera, it's beautiful. I love it. It's mineminemineminemine. Best thing is that it was an open box and on sale, so I got it for almost $200 less than the original price. I love Futureshop as well I think. Another thing about today is that I realised KFC has really good lights for taking photos :D (damn, I feel fat now)

Bird

I'm a bird. A wild bird. I like to be free, to feel the wind under my wings. Now I'm in a cage, and I can see the opening growing smaller and smaller for each day. Unless I do it now, I'll get hurt when I take off, if I'll even be able to do so later.

Give me an open window.

Christmas?

I miss my family. I miss all that I'm used to have during christmas. This just feels... Weird... I feel guilty about not really enjoying everything, because the people here try to make it good, try to make me feel at home, they care. And now I'm more confused than ever before. Do I want this? Should I just leave it? Can I leave it now? I feel guilty about thinking about leaving. But it doesn't feel right. Still I'm afraid to hurt someone, so I stay, wait. Forgive me.

18

Happy fucking birthday to me.

Homesick, yes.
Sad, yes.
Alone, yes.
Confused, yes.
Pissed off, yes.
Dissappointed, yes.

*insert title here*

Seriously, sometimes I hate myself. I fall asleep, though i know I shouldn't, because there's too little time. Then I wake up, 2 hours after the alarm went off, with my cell in my bed and not on the other end of the room. Throughout the years I've developed a remarkable skill to turn things off while I'm still asleep, and lately I've even managed to chat with people online while still not being awake. I go back to sleep and have no memory of it, I wake up and wonder why someone used my laptop? Eventually I'll learn to study and go to school while asleep, would be very handy. But as it is now I just hate it, and hate me for doing it. Why can't I just be normal? And sleep when normal people do? And wake up when I have 2 alarms going off?

Day didn't get any better when it turns out D got a 100% on the physics exam, now I need to beat that. Atleast I'm not allowed to fail it, which I've got a feeling I'll still do. Great. Something to be happy about is that I'm allowed to do my Hamlet-assignment during the holidays, and I can hand it in next year :) One thing less on my mind. Still need to finish the Art History Portfolio though.

And the stupid green line on my monitor isn't gone. Earlier it's disappeared, but now it seems to be stuck. Makes me want to hate my life, but I can't really allow myself to. So I get stuck hating myself for not allowing me to hating my life. Want to go to sleep now, I'll set both alarms and pray to some obscene God I'll never belive in that I'll wake up. (I'm really getting desperate now, am I?)

To sleep, or not to sleep?

It's 5 in the morning, I can't sleep. Shouldn't be too suprised about that, considering I slept for 20 hours last night, aka, I came home from school, went to sleep, woke up around midnight, went back to sleep, woke up at 8 in the morning, called in sick, slept 'til noon-ish. Now I can't fall asleep, I'm just laying here shifting positions in my bed.

Apparently there was an earthquake back home yesterday, the strongest in over a hundred years. Some people slept right through it, other people just can't realise those people just could sleep through it. No-one died, atleast that's a good thing. And according to my sister, both of my aquariums survived :)

Got a lot of mails today. One from a friend back home, with a christmasgift, made my day :) And during the evening I got a mail from my dad, he asked me what stuff there's to see here in Canada, if one were to come and visit, made my evening :) And then just some hours ago I got a mail from my mom, saying that me and my sister are allowed to have a hedgehog, made my night :D

Ofcourse I should've done way more homework than I did, but for once I acctually did some. Go me! Gonna talk with Mr. B (not Bean...), my english and art teacher, and ask him if I can hand in the Hamlet assignment after the holdays, 'cause there's no way in h*random amount of stars* I'll be done with it before friday, considering I havn't started yet. I've got all the ideas, I've got them down on paper and in my head, but I just can't put it together. And I've got an art assignment, too, to finish before friday. And a physics exam. Great. Part of the reason for skipping school today (yesterday) was because I didn't do any studying for the exam, since I was asleep.

The stupid lime green line is back on my monitor, I f*****g hate that thing. It's there, and then it's not there. And now it's back again. Very annoying. Guess I'll do as last time, hope it's gone next time I start the laptop. One might be lucky ^_^

Now I'm starting to yawn, might be able to get an hour and a half of sleep anyways? :O

Good morning.

Vitruvian Man

Another night spent awake. But I got a couple of hours of sleep sunday afternoon so I should be fine for school, not tired yet :)

Spent the night doing alot of nothing, no big suprise there. I also spent a ridiculous small amount of time working on what I was supposed to do, my Art History Portfolio. I'm now done with writing about Leonardo da Vinci, and Yoshitaka Amano. 8 more artists to go, I've got the information about them already, I just need to put it into my own words. And there's still the thing with not having Wikipedia as your only source of information. Figured out the Vitruvian Man-drawing reminds me of an ex-bf of mine. A nice guy, doesn't really have anything to hold against him. It just wasn't working, and he's still my friend (as are his two younger sisters, who are both older than I am...). Some may react to the age difference, but hey, why? :p

Back to talking about the art assignment... We're also supposed to choose a drawing/painting/sculpture/anything of the artist, to write our own thoughts about. For Leonardo da Vinci I chose the Vitruvian Man, but I'm not quite sure if my own reflections about it are good enough?

The Vitruvian Man, thanks to Wikipedia for letting me pirate the picture :)

"This small drawing, together with Mona Lisa and the Last Supper, is probably one of Leonardo’s most famous works. As so many of his other paintings and drawings, it’s all about proportions. Here I could start talking about Leonardo and his use of the Golden Ratio, but I won’t, considering it would take up way too much space.

To me, this picture reminds me of a friend of mine. Not only does the man’s hair look like my friends before he cut it off, but my friend also used to wear a yellow t-shirt with the print of the Vitruvian Man. As time went by this t-shit became a little too worn out, and was put away as one of them shirts you’re allowed to bring forth once a year and have a quick look at.

Other than that I don’t really know what to say about this drawing, I can’t say anything else that hasn’t already been said numerous times."

Seven Summits

Yay! I've found a goal in my life! It's a long-term goal, but still :)

"Seven summits, the highest peaks of the seven continents" I want to, I really really want to...
Kilimanjaro (5895 m) in Africa
Denali (6194 m) in North America
Aconcagua (6962 m) in South America
Elbrus (5642 m) in Europe
Carstensz Pyramid (4884 m) in Oceania
Vinson (4897 m) in Antarctica
Mount Everst (8850 m) in Asia

But I guess I should start with getting in some kind of physical condition, right now I'm not in a shape for anything at all. Guess I should put up a pair of running shoes on my wish-list for christmas? D had the idea that we could be working out together, sounds like a plan. I suck at doing stuff on my own, I need someone to poke me, and so does he. And we both love to poke each other and to compete in everything. *happy thoughts tonight*

Now back to my Art History Portfolio... It's boring. I wonder what my mark in Art'll be if I just don't do it? Midterm mark was 92%, so I would probably still pass, but I'd lose the high mark.

Today I've been sleeping, and I did some baking. And watched the TV. Didn't dare go outside, it's to f*****g cold, how will I make it to school tomorrow? :O

The ice-cube is melting...

... and it's not a good thing. I panic when it gets too warm, I get agressive and I can't breathe, all I want is to hurt myself and be left alone. Freezing isn't good either, but I prefer shaking because I'm cold to shaking because I'm collapsing.

Anyways. Weekend. D was supposed to pick me up around 8 this morning, ofcourse I'm asleep. When I wake up around 9, I realise what I've missed. After a quick chat at MSN we decide he'll come back into town to pick me up, again. We do some shopping and are on our marry way out to his place. Where I fall asleep, again. This time he's supposed to wake me up in 30 minutes, I wake up a couple of hours later. Atleast he got his homework done? I should've done mine, too, but someone didn't wake me up. A bit annoying, since now I have to do it tonight or tomorrow.

Saw the Willy Wonka play tonight, since his sister is in it. Really really good play, I must say. Now I know where all the acting and singing talent I didn't got is instead ^_^

Other things to add is that I can't breathe when it's around -30 C, since something decided to hate me and give me asthma. And it's gonna be colder... I just wonder how I'll be able to get to school, when I can barely walk 50 meters, at most, to the car? In worst case I'll just have to phone in and say "I'm sorry, but I can't make it to school today, my asthma makes me unable to breathe in this cold." Wouldn't that sound funny?

Now I wanna sleep, again. But should I? It feels as if I'm doing nothing but sleeping... But if I stay awake it's not as if I'll do anything I'm supposed to either. So I might as well sleep and try to wake up tomorrow morning and do stuff then? Stupid Art History Portfolio, stupid Hamlet assignment... And I still need more hair spray, I need to fill up on minutes on my cell, and I need to get the last christmas gifts. I think I'm starting to hate christmas, all the stress and all the icky christmas carols. Not to talk about the oh so friendly spirit everybody seems to have, giving away this and that to that and this. Charity, why always around christmas? Everything is around christmas! Can't the different organisations take one season each instead...? Can't people give around all the year, and not just around christmas? Do they need a false reason to give? Or do they still belive in Santa and are afraid they won't get anything unless they do something?

I'm out of here, for now. R logged on, I wanna talk with him. And I just realised Santa is very easily misspelled as satan :D

Trig and squares

Sitting up late, again. But then, I didn't wake up until 13-ish (unless you count the 5 minuts I was awake, realising I had a migraine and called in sick to school). For once I'm acctually doing what I'm supposed to, aka, homework! That I should've had this homework done for today is another question. I'll just hand it in tomorrow when I'm there :)

Sometimes homework makes me happy, 'cause I feel I'm doing something good, and learing from it. It makes me happy when I realise I acctually know how to do this, how to change the basic formulas into the forumla I want. So I'm in a happy mood, math is fun! :D

Realised some day ago this blog this far has sounded pretty depressed, and that gives the image of me being pretty depressed. That's not the case, I'm just using this blog to let out all my depressing feelings and stuff. I'm happy, too. Maybe I should listen more to Assemblage 23? That, if something, makes me happy! The concert this summer was greatgreatgreat, even though some stupid motherfucking bitch stole my boots the night before >.< (they came back, luckily, a couple of days later, my friends camp had really nice neighbours who remembered me missing them and when they found a pair of boots which matched with the description they just took them to the camp for me. That kinda things makes me want to have faith in humanity)

Assemblage 23 @ Arvikafestivalen 2008

Anxiety?

Yet another weekend is over, and as usual I havn't done ANYTHING of what I was supposed to do. Still got loads of homework, still need to do this and that. Feels as if all I'm good at is spending money. Should make a budget... I try to make one in my head, but there's always exceptions. I need this and that, and that and this. For once I want to sleep, and I'm not that tired, and it's only midnight. Maybe because I've realised I won't do anything I should tonight, so I might as well sleep instead? So part of me want to do what I should, and part of me want to sleep. Part of me is feeling anxiety over me not doing what I should, and spending more money than I should. Great.

I realised only some day ago what it acctually is I've been feeling every now and then for the latest year or so. When I looked it up, what anxiety really is. The description fits me perfectly. Shaking, sweating, easily annoyed (in my case I'm mean to everybody), my heart starts racing and I can't breath. Havn't felt it for a while, not since I got here, until friday. Before that I've had it every now and then, and I was hoping I'd left it at home, I didn't want to bring it. I'll just have to try to keep in control of myself, I guess. Maybe look into it when I get home. Starting to realise I've got a lot of stuff to take care of when I get home, and I feel sick just thinking about it. But atleast I'll have one home, not two, not as it's been for the last 11 years... Eventually things will turn out good, eventually. Just need to give it time, need to survive through it. This is my vaccation.

Staying away

Today was a fairly good day, until I got home. And talked with him. Which usually makes me happy, but some words just hurt. Alot. "All I know is that I need to stay away from you." Fine. I'll stay fucking away. It's an ocean in between, is that far enough? And even better, I blocked you. And signed out. So yes, I'm staying away. I hope you're happy now.

Now I'll bury myself in a book, or a game. Or use some of the energy I get from being angry to clean my room. I've got kiwis. Kiwis are good, they won't tell me they need to stay away from me. I miss my fishes. So damn much.

5 months ago

You stole more than a chair. It was a good night. I miss the night.

But last night was good, too. Even though it started out with a slight mental breakdown on my behalf. I hate when the panic comes, when I can't breath, when all my body is shaking. For what reason? I don't know. But you made it good, and I'm sorry I was mean. You do mean alot to me, and I need you to be there for me now, to hold me, to make the pain go away temporarily.

And I ate both breakfast and lunch today, and dinner. Must be first time in months or so? Atleast something is going the right way. Now I just have to convince all parts of my head that it's the way it's supposed to be. Only problem is my mind is very stubborn, and now it has to fight itself.

I'm tired, I wanna sleep. Do I dare to?

My heart skips a beat

Great, torn in two. Over a stupid matter. Should I, or should I not, go and make myslef some popcorn? Parts of me want to, it tastes good, and it can't be that bad to have it only once more. Another part of me is saying that I already ate cookies today, so I shouldn't have popcorn too, that I need to think about what I eat. I'm afraid of falling back into old patterns, but I'm afraid to gain the body I don't want.

And I'm back to tears. My heart skips a beat as soon as I see a trace of him, tears come automatically when I talk with him. Even though I shouldn't, he wants to be alone. I want to leave him alone but I don't know if I can. It feels wrong. Wrong not to have him, but still wanting to be his. Wrong to be sad, since it's all my fault. Wrong to seek comfort in the arms of another, who's there, even though he knows, do I fail him by doing so? Do I fail both of them?

Part of me is calling out even stronger for popcorn, telling me it'll make me feel better, that I deserve it. That I can't think about everything at the same time. The other part of me is holding me down, smacking me in my face, telling me that it'll only get worse if I get those popcorns. Because then I'll feel bad about them, too. But I want them. And I don't want to want them. Always the same, me being unable to restrain myself, ending up with me hurting myself, and others.

Maybe I just should go to sleep and try to forget about it. But sleep means dreams. Bad dreams. Last night I dreamt that they cut of my leg. I couldn't walk any longer. There was only one solution left, suicide. Too late they told me I could get a robot leg/foot, and still be able to walk and hike mountains. Or I'll just dream about the summer, and want to get away from the winter even more badly. Not that I mind the winter, but I'm trapped at nights. My leg hurts, I think it's because of the cold. It's aching, as if I've been using it too much, as if I've sprained it. It makes me worried, will the pain ever go away? Only a matter of seconds... 2 seconds either way and it would've never happened. I blame myself, I blame the cop, I blame the dark, I blame the poor streetlights, I blame the hospital. But in the end, it'll only affect me. And that in a negative way.

Still no decision made about popcorn, but atleast V's talking with me. Even if it's only with "mm.."s and the like. And D didn't even come online tonight, but he was really tired in school so I don't blame him, and he had to work late. But work means money, money is good. But work also means more stress, less sleep, less spare time to do what one want to do, less time to spend with people one ought to spend time with, that is bad. My brain is a mess and I just have to empty all of it out and clean it up again. Atleast try to. Covenant will help me. I hope. And I realise it's in times like this I want to be able to belive.

Kiwi!

Today was better, not good, but not that bad either. Making progress with the painting, but J still looks like a troll. Green hair and blueish skin, along with very defined muscles. Thing is, he looks better in the painting than irl >.< (he's goodlooking, he's got a nice body, he just needs to show it)

Trying to be healthier, as in not eating cookies, as in eating fruit instead. Considering I don't really like fruit, at all, and never have, it's gonna be interesting. I like, or love, kiwi though. So that's what I'm gonna go for. But ofcourse, went out to the kitchen to get my kiwis, and had to snatch a short-bread cookie. Damn hostmom, making all of these good cookies... But still, I'm eating a kiwi! Well, two acctually! Point being: I'm eating, and it's not chocolate!

Kiwi!

Apart from eating kiwi, I have written christmascards. Go me! Also, I've tried to find a box the right size for the gifts for back home... Didn't really manage to find one... Oh well, I've got until the 8th to send them :)

Now... Maybe homework awaits. Maybe just a book... Want to finisht that serie I've been reading since 8th grade (in 12th now...). Yes I've had a couple of breaks in reading it.

To-buy list:

• Batteries for camera
• International post-stamps
• Christmasgifts for the people here
• Wintercoat...

Flying fish <3

Air Art from flip on Vimeo.

Lullaby

Inacceptance, intolerance
Swollen eyes and a headache

In the far distance

The world,

As I know it,
Is falling to pieces.

Reaching out

Trying to help

Trying to be the helped one.

Stupidity,

Non-thinking zombies,

No opinions, no own thoughts.

Future,

It looks dark now.

The wind is singing

A lullaby

About tearing the world apart.

I listen.

I hide.

I sleep.

I wake up,

Screaming.

And I fell to pieces

I think my life hates me. If that's possible, I don't know. The last drop came today, ironic enough was it only a physics exam, and I passed it. But still...

I thought I was over with breaking down during classes when I was out of 9th grade and that stupid fucking school, but obviously not. Why is it that whenever we get an exam back, the teacher realises that he's marked the answer wrong on one of the questions. The other guys then gets the point for it, and I just lose mine. Great. 62% is not good. Spent lunch at the washrooms, redoing my make-up, spent 4th period with the counselor. She's nice, really is, and she reminds me of the counselor at my old highschool. Then I had to redo my makeup, again. 3rd time on one day I put it on, a little too much I think. Math in 5th, didn't write the exam. I was hoping I'd be able to do some studying yesterday, but no. So now I'm gonna write it tomorrow instead. So I should study. And I should write christmas cards.

And there's still the Hamlet assignment, and the Art History Portfolio. I don't want to. I want to sleep. Think I'm gonna go to sleep now, and just... sleep... Sleep is good when I don't feel good. I'm out of chocolate now. Not good. Hope I'll get some more later on this month. 3 weeks to my 18th birthday. Right now I don't wanna do anything then, just stay in bed. Celebrate 18 years of what? Failure? One thing was good about today, J gave me a hug. He's nice, and I needed the hug. Why does a hug always mean more when it's from someone who usually don't hug you?

There was this guy from the army outside the office during lunch today. I wanted to talk with him, to tell him what I think of war, what I think of sending people out to a certain death and still mourn them when they die. D stopped me. Again. Probably a good thing, might have gone slightly out of control considering my state of mind. But it makes me happy, messing with stupid people. Might get the chance to do that tomorrow morning, if I'm lucky. As if I will be...

V doesn't want to talk with me, or so I take it. Not that he wants to talk with anyone, but, it hurts. I had dreams tonight, about being home again, about summer.

Stupidity of mankind

It's night, again, and I've already been sleeping, again. From the noise of the wind outside, some weathergod is trying to tear the world apart. As if my world has a huge need of getting even more ripped to pieces.

Stepsister at hospital for not eating, I can handle that.
Cousin at mental hospital, why I do not know, I can handle that.
Christmas stress, I can handle that.
I lose you, I hope I can handle that.
But when everything happens at once? I need a new processor, this one is overheated, it just broke. I'm turning into a weak, sobbing creature. I hate it. I hate to look at myself and see what I have become.

Math exam coming up later today, and I should study a little. But I just wanna sleep. I want the wind to sing me the lullaby, to tell me it doesn't matter, to tell me it can heal again, to tell me he'll steal my chair again.

Inacceptance. Intolerance. I hate those words. I can stand stupid people, I truly can, as long as they fucking accept me for who I am. I can't stand smart or intelligent people, I truly can't, as long as they won't accept me for who I am.

We had quite an argument in english class yesteday morning. The subject was human morals. Me and D share a lot of opinions, and we both love discussing. But what kind of discussion is it, when the other sides argument is screaming "YOU'RE DISGUISTING!" or "Don't even go there!". Is that arguments which supports their opinion? Or is it just weakness? They have no opinion, so they say what they belive is right. We ask them why they have that opinion, they can't answer. We ask them if there's a clear line between wrong and right, and they go against what they said before. I think it was only me and D in that whole class, who acctually had an opinion and was able to argue for it, to bring forth valid arguments. And that makes me sad. How are they gonna survive if they can't stand up for their opinions? If they have no opinions? They'll never make it. The guy who's into politics, was one of them who was so lost in what we talked about. Who asked if we could go back to the discussion about the book (Lord of the Flies) instead. He didn't realise what the book was about. Will he ever be a good politican? No. Will he ever be a good leader? No. I know I'll be a good one, considering some qualities. I also know I'll be a horrible one, considering some other qualities. So I'll just keep to speaking my mind, and if I make one person think for itself, then I've made a change to the world. But it's a dark future, from what I can see here. Inacceptance. Intolerance. The only good thing I can even think about is that no-one involved God in it. If anyone would've done that, I have no idea what would've happened. Me and D would most likely kill that person mentally. It's gonna be fun tomorrow, if we continue the discussion.

Would you save your own life, instead of the lives of 100'000 random babies? Would you consider Hitler being a good leader? Would you eat the flesh of your dead friend, if that's the only way you will survive?

I can accept and tolerate a lot of persons, if they accept and tolerate me. I can accept and tolerate a lof of persons opinions, if they accept and tolerate mine. I can accept and tolerate a lot of persons religions, if they accept and tolerate my lack of one.

Dunno what you've got

until you lose it. Proven. Again.

And it hurts so badly, when something you really want is taken from you. But who am I to complain? I've still got the other cake.

I sometimes wonder if I should just skip cakes for a while, maybe forever?

And now I'll sleep, make the time pass by. Want to spin it backwards, want to fast forward it. Everything but now.

För helvete, jag tror nästan jag älskar dig.