MEH.

My neighbours' internet is dead. So I'm sitting outside, in order to pick up internet from across the street. My batteries are soon dead, and I'm cold. Other than that, today was good. Longer post when the circumstances are better :)

Wednesday...

Apparently I looked like this today.

Today is not over yet.

Stayed home, not feeling good. Way too much pollen in the air, oh how I hate it. Spent the day asleep, atleast until noon. Then meaningless(?) talking with people on MSN. They have all logged off now, and gone to sleep, it was past 2 AM in Sweden. So now I'm here on my own, trying to finish that explication of In an old barn. It was due around 2 months ago. I might get it done. Atleast 5 pages about a 14 lines poem, no problem!

Tomorrow I'll go book shopping. Candy for the soul, or something.

Came to the conclusion I'm giving up on guys (relationship-wise) for now. They don't make sense, they don't do what they said they were gonna do. For now I'm better off without them. I don't have the time. They don't have the time. So what's the point? I'll be so happy with my laptop. It's pink, portable, and hasn't failed me this far. I love it.

---

Note to self: Brittany is the best person ever. I will always love her :)

---

Went to DQ for a bit, back home now. Once the sun's down it's getting cold out, it's not quite summer yet.

Tomorrow there's a high school art exhibition show somewhere, and one of my paintings, this one acctually:


is going to be there :)

I've got an official invitation and all *proud*

Either way, homework awaits me!

.

I'm sorry I can't bleed for you the way you want me to.

Meh.

"Ok lol" is not the reply I want to get. Ever. Least of all from the guy who's supposed to be my boyfriend. Least of all when I'm not feeling good. Least of all when I told him I loved him too.

If things doesn't shape up I'm out of here before I'm out of here.

Yesterday was towelday, just to let you know.

I walked around with a towel in my pocket all day.

Not so pretty flowers.

It's pollen in the air.

I hate it.

More contrast.

Pretty flowers.

random

I've got a hat.

Quarantine

I'm out of inspiration for how to write, yet there's so much I want to tell the "world" about. Life's turning a slight bit crazy. Which I guess was to be expected. Either way.

So. Thursday night I got new cards. Fishies, flying fishies, to be more precise. Huge thanks to T for helping me out with them, they are wonderful :) Up until now I've been playing my vampires, for more than half a year now. They think the fishies are not mine, that I'm borrowing them. But seriously, who but me would ever get the idea to make a deck with flying fishies?

While on the topic of fishes, one of my babies back home is sick.


His name's Logen, and I've had him for >1 year. He and Fläcken had some fights in the beginning, but eventually learned to like each other. Now he's sick, and I can't do anything but to tell my mom how to take care of him. Apparently he's really skinny, and has no energy. When she fished him up some days ago to put him in an own aquarium (I've got a 16-liters that's just been standing around, it's pretty small, but no-one will steal his food atleast) it was too easy. I really hope he makes a recovery, I don't want to have to see a fish that big pass away after that a short time.

Guess some would say over a year for a fish is a long time, but I've had tetras living for 5 years (then we put it down when a slight accident occured and we had to move all the fish, and it was a mean mean mean fish so I didn't want it back), and I've got a catfish, Fläcken, who I've had with me for >8 years. All in all I've had fishes for 12½ year by now. I'm that crazy girl with all the fishies. Unless you did not know.

Leaving fish and moving on to humans.

I'm sitting in my bed now, under the blankets, eating peanuts. Got the remains of a slurpee next to me. For an unknown reason I woke up early today, and was out of the house, walking, before 10 AM! I'm confused, I'm not supposed to wake up early, ever. Sure, it could have to do with last night, which was really making me tired. But then, crying makes your eyelids heavy, they still kinda are today.

Thursday night, after I was done with cards at Tramps, I went to Eh's house. He had asked me to stop by after cards, so I figured I should do that. After all I hadn't seen him since Sunday night, and an hour is better than nothing. So I came there, as usual there was a bunch of other people there as well. They were watching a movie, Spirited Away, a movie which it seems I'm the only one to dislike. I told him I didn't want to see the movie, hinted that we'd go downstairs, just to be alone, him and me, he saw the hint, but didn't make any action or attempt to follow it. The movie eventually was over with, and I said I had to be home soon, I had homework to do, a math test the next day. I got a ride home, and when leaving the car he said he missed me, that he missed me soooo much, and that he wanted to spend the weekend with me. Sure I said, I've got things planned for Saturday afternoon/night, but otherwise I'm free.

Friday afternoon he texts me, saying he's sorry but it's a friends birthday today and they are going to the bar, but he will text me afterwards and ask me to call him. I text back, asking if he's really going to text this time, seeing that he didn't last weekend. He said he would, but it might be late. This all evolved into an... argument...? In short words I told him I was tired of him assuming I'd always be there, without him putting any effort into it. I've got school, and I acctually care about my grades, so I need to study and to do homework and hand things in. Finals are coming up soon, I need to get some sleep so I can learn in school. He's not doing anything with his time right now. He got laid off the other week, and is now just walking around at home, having friends over, watching movies and playing games all day. And then he expects me to see him when it suits him. That I plan my day after what he wants to do. When he's the one having all the time in the world, he doesn't have to be up in the morning to go to school. Is it too much to ask that he suggests that he'd meet me after school? Up in the area where I live? Instead of having me come visit him where he lives, at night, when I've got school the next day? Is that too fucking much to ask?

Then he tries to make it up to me by texting me he loves me. I don't trust his words any longer. They are empty, all he does is empty talk. He's good at talking, he's good at lying to other people, why wouldn't he lie to me? About where he's been? About what he's been doing? He tells me he loves me, but he can't seem to put off the time for me, when it suits me.

While writing the above I got a text from him, "good morning love hows your day if your not busy after your fundraiser idd like to spend some time with you"

First off: it's 1 PM. Not morning. I've been up for 5 hours.
Second off: The fundraiser thing starts at 5PM. Ends at 1 AM tomorrow. I doubt I'll have the time to go see him after that...?

I've told him this, he should know this, if he payed attention to what I'm saying. But no, apparently not.

I'll be back in Sweden in less than 5 weeks from today. And he takes me for granted, takes my time for granted. I'm not for granted. I'm the opposite of granted. Time is flying by, is he gonna realise when I'm in Sweden that maybe he should've put more effort into it before? As of now, I really am not motivated to put in all the effort it would require to try to keep a long-distance relationship alive, 'cause apparently he can't even put in effort when we're in the same time. When I'm out of here, I'm out of here.

Contrast.

So. Well.

I'm sitting here doing (atleast trying to do) homework. Which I'll illustrate with a photo.


Don't get the wrong idea now, I'm not only taking photos; in the last couple of... many... hours I've acctually gotten some math done! Test tomorrow? What? Never heard of that :)

Spent some hour of today with editing some old(er) photos, which for once can be considered school work! In design right now we're making design essays, and we are not allowed to use words. We are supposed to illustrate one of the principles of design, one way or another, and I chose contrast by using the camera and a photo-editing program (Gimp). So I'm gonna upload a ridiculous (ridonculous?) amount of edited pictures, all trying to illustrate contrast. YAY!

Dice. Attempt to illustrate the contrast that occurs with change of focus.

Kitties! Black/white. The given contrast.

The flower may be plastic, but the contrast between flower/cobweb/dust?

Pretty flower making a contrast against the sunset...

Land of the Living Skies.

P.A.C.I.

Fishie!

Me, in the sunshine...?

Contrast on more than one level, is it?

Jody.

Anthony. Pretty smiley. Moon.

Sun. And pretty colours.

Greyscale in colours turned gray.

Flower. And snow. In May.

Glowsticks!

Bald eagle. Me happy :)

D20. Tom's.

Back on track? I wish I were...

Any comment/criticsism is welcome. Please? :)

37

They phoned from school today. They are worried about my attendance.

I'm home today. Feeling a bit feverish, and my wisdom tooth that's coming up hurts like a bitch, my mouth's all swollen and I can barely use it for speaking, even less for eating.

Sure, there's a connection between attendance and grades, in most cases. But hey, my average is 91%! Is there really a need to worry? I guess I'll have to talk to them tomorrow or so, just explain to them. There's a lot on my mind right now, I'm homesick as *** knows what, I'm stressing out, and some other stuff as well, and it's all making me anti-social. I don't want to be around people. Talking to people online is working fine, but it's the physical contact that's making me freak out. I just want to scream "GET AWAY FROM ME!", but I don't, I keep it oppressed.

By going to school I expose myself to others, and I have no safe place to hide from them, from it. So when I don't feel good, as of today, I just stay home instead. In normal cases I can handle it, but when something's just hurting so damn much it is so much easier to be pushed over the edge. And I fear having that happen in public, it's happened too many times in public already. I just have to talk to my teachers/principal/whoever I need to talk to, and make them understand it. One way or another.

Home in 37 days...

Cleaning up my computer

As of now I've got 17 GB left on my C-drive; Bitch. Which also happens to be my only one... I'm dedicating this night to cleaning up, aka, copying movies I've already seen and old pictures over to DVD's.

I've just gotten rid of 3½ GB. That was the movies. Now comes the pictures...

Longer update to come later tonight I think, if anyone reads, as ususal.

Early monday morning

Ancient mad dogs
And biting bats. Salivia
Causing rabies.

Soon 3 AM... I've got 3 pages to write for tomorrow, about rabies. Great. I should've done it earlier, I should've done it right away in school. But no. Procrastinating. So now I sit here and write haikus about rabies.

Weekend was good though, relaxing for once. No car accidents, no stabbing (only in D&D), and I managed to get some sleep :)

Thanks

Me:

well, i don't like the thought of thinking that anything is permanent
not love, not hate, not broken things
nothing is forever

T:

...Can I quote that as lyrics in the music I'm writing right now...?

It made me smile :)

Meh.

Bad mood strikes again. Antisocial and stuff. An advise is to just stay away from me for now. Until... Later...

Stressed out from all different kinds of things. Didn't really get any rest last weekend, too much that happened. In school we just get more and more assignments that are pileing up, and the finals are only around a month away. Then there's grad In the middle of this I'm trying to breathe, and enjoy my stay and just live. I've come to realise I have to not do some things that I want to. I need to study, and try to get some sleep at night, not come home 3 AM on weekdays, etc etc.

There are all kinds of thoughts swirling around in my head, some are good and motivationa, some are bad and just makes me want to go into hibernation (Hey, it's snow out still, I could do that?)... What I really need is a weekend of doing nothing. Just staying home. If anyone wants to see me, they can come here. I'm not leaving the house. Just decided that. People in my surroundings will have to live with it. Now I just have to survive tomorrow, friday.

Cards today went straight to hell, by the way. Too many people, not enough oxygen, and just standing around. I have no trouble walking around or sitting down. But standing, I just can't do it, I feel as if about to faint and slowly the panic sneaks up from behind and hits me. Then I sit down on the floor trying to breahte and people come up to me and ask what's wrong. As if I know, as if it doesn't put more stress on me having to try to figure out an answer. Lately I've found it's easier just to sit there, staring blankly, telling them just to leave you alone.

Now, homework. Something I haven't done in weeks. My explication of In an old barn is a month late. Only to mention one assignment.

By the way, is the way I write things in... boring? I feel boring >.<

The Carcass

Yet to this rot you shall be like,
To this horrid corruption,
Star of my eyes, sun of desire,
You, my angel and my passion!

The rest of the poem, can be found here

I stumbled across it some year ago, when we had to read it for Swedish-class in grade 10 or 11 (can't remember which), and I fell in love with it.

Off to last night and today...

The city was beautiful last night, it was dark (d'uh) and it was rain. All beautiful and clean and washed and the streetlights were reflecting in the puddles... I haven't seen that for months, and it was just heaven to step out into the moist, cool night. Then I came home, and eventually fell asleep.

How I made it to school on time this morning I have no idea, but apparently I was there even before 9. Only to be met by a sign on the door: Wildlife Management students go to room 121 at 9 for fieldtrip. WTF?! I imagine that was most students' reaction. Fieldtrip? Hike? WHAT?! Since when...? Apparently our teacher mentioned it sometime last week, and forgot to tell us yesterday. I got to miss English and Biology, so I'm not really complaining about that, on the other hand we were totally unprepared to spend ~2 hours out in the rain. My coat was good enough protection from the rain to start with, but eventually it got wet and cold. So we (me and 2 other girls) ended up huddling together very close to J, who's insane and has no feeling for cold what so ever. Good for us ^_^ Once back in the classroom we made hot chocolate with marshmallows, so the trip didn't end too badly.

Then came the snow. In May. Not sure if you can say pouring about snow, but it was pouring down. In May. I can't really grasp it. Yesterday it was +22 and sun and felt like summer. Today, all of a sudden, it was -1 and snow.

The day went on, went to my baby's house during the afternoon, played some cards and very sneakily stole some of his poutine. Now I'm home again, and trying to figure out what to do. I should do homework. But since when do I ever do homework when I'm supposed to? Never? :)

So, yeah, that's where I'm at now. Homework...

Only in Saskatchewan...

I'm not kidding.

Fail?

I've got a headache since sunday evening, it just refuses to go away. As usual. Guess that's the result of a stressful weekend? And me who thought weekends were for relaxing... From now on maybe I shouldn't do anything on weekends? Just stay at home, be boring, be bored? But I don't want to live like that, I want to do things, I want to feel alive.

I'm lacking any motivation what so ever to do anything that's got to do with homework. My explication for "In An Old Barn" is almost a month late by now, and I couldn't care less. I need write one more paragraph, at most, on my energy essay for Wildlife Management, and find some sources for what I'm acctually saying there. Most of those sources are laying in books and papers I've got withing an arms reach from me. I just lack the motivation. Why? Why? I just can't force myself to do it.

Sure, I'm homesick. Sure, my mind has been occupied and overloaded this weekend, for understandable reasons. But why can't I just find that motivation I know is hiding somewhere? I stayed home tonight, to do homework. But I did no homework. And now I'm getting paranoid over the fact I can't get a hold of my baby. (he's gonna have a bunch of desperate texts when he checks his cell)

Please, I just want to... be normal?

Weekend. What a weekend.

4 of my friends could be dead by now. I still can't really grasp what happened. I don't want to get into detail with it, but to sum things up:

• drunk agressive guys with knifes, stay away from them
• don't drive while drunk

My hostmom is stressing out 'cause a lampshade didn't come down the way it was supposed to, and she doesn't trust my skills with lamps that are unattachted to anything. But then, seeing how most people her age doesn't know what to do with it, atleast not girls, and that she doesn't know what experience I have with such things either, I'm not gonna blame her. It's funny though, how far behind this country is when it comes to equal rights. I'm a girl, people doesn't expect me to know things about computers or electric components and what not. But then again, I never was a girly girl.

Soon I'm off to my baby, atleast I hope so. I just want to hold him and tell him he's alive, I'm alive, everybody are alive.

I finished my drawing. Only took around 2 months or so...