"I forgot my wallet!"

Tonight I had a great night. Really great. Went to the movies, where it turned out J forgot his wallet at my house, so I was the "man" and payed for it. Taken was a great movie by the way. See it! Then we went back to my house. Grabbed the wallet. And went to Pizza Hut. I love the place. Haven't been there for years, but one has to love it. Then home again for a while, and now he's gone.

Left am I, and my stomach hates me since I today ate around twice as much as I usally do. But it was worth it today. For some reason my mood's been on top all day, it's strange but I like it. And it doesn't even feel as if I'm gonna crash, not yet. I'm happy, as in happy. It feels damn good.

Now I'm gonna cuddle down in my bed with my laptop, maybe fall asleep, maybe contine on my Magic-doodeling. Even J, who hates Magic, thinks it's cool. (I'm slowly working on getting him to like Magic, really, it's not any geekier than WH40K)

So I bid you all a good night, whoever is reading this. And for most people it's probably morning now anyways. But still. Good night :)

I cut myself

... my hair, that is. Not my wrist. And today (tonight?) I listen to Rush and Guns n' Roses.


What do you do when you're bored...?

Hawk. Again.

Bored today. Now I'm off to Tramps. To see two of the guys whose hearts I've broken. And some other people. I like my hawk, but I need to dye my hair again.

Poor Y

Today I learned that Y is not a vowel. Someone could've told me during the 8 years I've been learning english.

And I'm getting sick I think.

And a bit homesick, as well.

Technology hated me today, my Mp3-player decided to go dead on me even when plugged into a computer. I needed the essay on it. But no. So the teacher explained to me that I need to go through a certain site to come to the right Gaggle.net, 'cause if I google it I get the wrong one, even if it looks exactly the same. So now I can use my digital locker without getting the message that my username does not exist. Ran home during lunch to upload it, then back to school to print it. Felt I needed to prove to my teacher that I had written the essay, that I wasn't making it all up with all these problems.

Did I mention that my dad's in the hospital?

But I think I did good on the biology exam.

Jag saknar dig.

Editing.

Becuase I can.

Avoiding sleep

I can't sleep. Tried, it made me panic.

Looking at it from the bright side, I won't sleep in in the morning :)

(and what is one supposed to do with those dubble-words?)

Frustrations

Realised I haven't really posted anything of general interest or anything that makes sense at all the last couple of days. Atleast so it seems, seeing that no-one really seem to care. Maybe I should blame myself, since some of the last posts have been kind of antisocial. Right now, more than ever, am I in an antisocial mood. Frustrated with more or less everything.

Frustrated with the fact I'm losing the Swedish language more and more.
Frustrated with the fact I have to do everything in English.
Frustrated with the fact that people tell me they think I know a lot of languages when I really only know two of them fluently, and two not that good at all. That makes four, not a lot.
Frustrated with the cold and dry weather.
Frustrated with the fact the one person I've been able to talk with IRL lately about thoughts and acctually have a discussion with fell in love with me.
Frustrated with the fact my last drawing was really really bad.
Frustrated with my body, my hair, my looks.
Frustrated with my inability to do my homework/schoolwork, I could have an 90%+ average if I studied.
Frustrated with myself for being mean and wanting to be mean.
Frustrated with how easily I spend money on things I really don't need.
Frustrated with the photos I take, they are not that good at all.
Frustrated with the fact I have not yet completed the painting I started soon 2 weeks ago.
Frustrated with myself for not pulling myself together to go for that goddamn walk, it's only 8 pm! It's not exactly dangerous out at this time, not even in this town!
Frustrated with the fact I don't know if I'm homesick or not.

The list goes on and on and on. I logged off MSN, turned off my cellphone, and threw it somewhere in my closet. Not turning it on again until I have to. Not logging in on MSN for a while. I don't need people around me, I don't want people around me.

Not that this post made sense either, or that anyone cares. Fuck.

The next day

Too much fun, too social. Comes crashing down now. Good night.

More about tonight

Tonight is a good night. But I think B fell asleep on the couch. As soon as I do something for a couple of minutes, she's gone, and then I find her passed out/asleep on a bed somewhere. Always. Kinda funny ^_^


And that picture is supposed to illustrate our night. I need to get better at Gimp, or atleast not do things that fast. Or just read the instructions. Anyways, might be off to bed now. We'll see.

Vein Drinker

Not perfect, but damn she's hot.

Later friday night

He stopped by after work, without no warning.

*knock knock*

B: It's J, go get the door!

Made me happy :D

And I'm winning tonight.

And we'll have a lasangea in just a few minutes.

Tonight is good.

Friday night

For some reason it annoys me that he can't stop by 5 minutes after work. It annoys me to the fact I send a sad text and then turns off my cell. When I shouldn't complain about it, at all, seeing that he was here almost 4 hours after work yesterday, and he said he'd be here half an hour.

But I miss him.

Atleast I got the cutest mouse (plushy) in the world sitting next to me. And B is here for the night, a game of Magic is on :)

Because of me

From what've happened the last week and a half, I've come to the conclusion I better not talk with people. I better not care about people. I better just stay alone. Whenever I care, when I show I care, when I tell them I care, the same thing happens. "She cares about me, then she must like me, be in love with me." But I'm not, I seldom am, but I do care, and now I worry. Crushed. Torn apart. Sad. Sorry. Disappointed. Because of me.

Hello new life, hello isolation.

We're In This Together

Tuesday

I wake up, and go back to sleep. Repeat that procedure a couple of times. Then I don't do anything, at all. Except for walking to the kitchen to make myself a sandwich. Now I'm in the living room, using my house coat as a blanket. The blinds are covering the windows, I'm isolating myself. On the TV there's a commercial for Tylenol, but the sound is muted so I can't hear it. Why do I have the TV on if it's on mute, and I'm not even watching it? Maybe to keep me company, I'm alone at home for a couple of days now.

What I should do is homework, what I have been doing is everything except homework. And now I'm about to panic about it. This couch is getting more and more on my nerves. I can't move my arms the way I want to move them, since the back piece is blocking for the elbows. Panic, over a couch. Great. Homework. Do it. Listen to VNV Nation.

Annoyance

So, been some days since last time. Been some strange days since last time.

I've figured out why I prefer hanging out with boys instead of girls. I've had an acctual date for Valentine's Day. I've figured out that lemon tea and vodka acctually goes pretty good together.

And I'm getting more and more annoyed by the fact that more or less all the guys I ever start talking with or hang out with seems to have a crush on me. I feel as if I'm using them, just by hanging out with them, doing stuff together. Why am I not an ugly person no-one cares about? :(

Today was good, but I'm tired now. That's what you get for staying up all night and then just get a couple of hours of sleep to recover. So off to sleep in a few, I've checked the door a couple of times, it's locked, and all the lights are out except for in my bed room.

And once again, WHY DO ALL GUYS HAVE NAMES THAT STARTS WITH A J?! >.<

Magic

Thursday night equals Magic. From now on I've got the feeling that it also equals going to J's house and continue playing and having a good time when Tramps closes. Tonight was good, even though there was quite a bit of tickeling involved (kinda funny acctually, even though I might've bitten too hard...). I'd be happy for more nights like this, talking, playing, cooking, just a good time :)

The rest of the day was ok I guess. Woke up in time, were in school on time (!), and didn't forget anything. We went out to that elementary school out of town, had our Wildlife Management presentations done, and went snowshoeing. Back to school again, more or less doing nothing in Design, except for taking pictures of things. Then I got 5 flowers, since it's Valentines Day on saturday. Should've studied for the math test, but I was too lazy... But, apparently, someone up there (or down there for that sake) loves me. We had 5 minutes before the test to write a cheat-sheet, so I just had to put down the forumlas and then look at them while doing the test. It feels as if it went pretty good, but time'll tell. Then ride home and cuddeling :)

Tomorrow is today, it's friday the 13th. The plan is to have the girls over here for a sleep over, should be fun :) But I probably should clean a tiny bit, but oh well. I'm off to bed now I think, tired as f**k, been a long day, but a fun day.

I wish you a happy friday the 13th, atleast mine got a good start.

Another night

So, got a math quiz tomorrow, and a Wildlife Management Fashionshow, and snowshoe-walking. I've looked through the math, but I haven't really done any math at all since the last quiz we had. But really, how hard can it be? I kinda know how to do it, and I've got around an hour of busride to go through it, and the design class before math class. So hopefully I can sleep, hopefully I won't panic.

Found a picture of me from around 2½ year ago, I've changed quite a bit, but I'm still kinda the same. Is that what they call evolution?

Pacman

My shirt is epic win. And I love my sister.


And I have a math test tomorrow, and I haven't studied at all. Just been sitting around all afternoon, waiting for the panic to kick in. Great.

Nights

Damn, it's nice to have someone to talk to, about anything, about everything. About life stories, about thoughts, about just anything.

Hello, I'm a freak.

Atleast that's what I feel like right now. A fat stupid freak. Great for the self esteem, isn't it?

It's 3 AM, and the last 3 hours I could've been sleeping, studying, doing something. But no. Nothing. I'm starting to feel tired, and I know I should've done this and that this weekend. Math, I'm behind, again. Screw that, not important. Biology, I need to do those biological drawings for today. Wildlife Management, there's the fashion show which is to be presented today, but I know my lines, more or less, and I've charged the battery for my camera. English, I should've read the hand-out, but I can do that later, I already know what to write about.

For some reason it helps, to write all of these things down, to sort my thoughts out. It makes me relax, breathe, realise it's not that much to do after all. But yeah, those biological drawings, I need to draw them. And measure them. I can do the measuring in english class tomorrow...? And in Wildlife Management, when I'm just sitting down looking at what the other groups do.

And I'm mad at V. MY TURTLE IS NOT FLYING! IT'S SWIMMING IN THE SEA NOT THE SKY! Get that into your brain >.< Still won't change my status on MSN to online, gonna be offline, and you can sit there and wonder. If you get the idea to check my blog that's good for you, I don't care.

I miss J. And I just realised all the guys have names starting with J. Maybe I should figure out some other way than their initial... Uh, atleast I've got something to think about when I do nothing.

Work out, lose weight, lose that goddamn fat.

Turtle

Work in progress.

Betta fish

Went to Tramps yesterday to play a booster draft tournament in Magic, I didn't win, but I ended up pretty good for having played for not even 4 months, and the first card I got was the Blood Tyrant. So I'm happy :)

It got even better when it turned out that one of the guys there, who we headed home to after the tournament, has betta fish, and he's going into breeding them. I had my camera with me (as always) so I ended up taking a couple of pictures of the fishes, something I've been longing to ever since I got my camera. He even offered me to bring some frys back to Sweden with me when I'm leaving, and it's really nice fishes, so now I'm gonna see what is required to do to get a licence for importing fish. I mean, it can always be handy to have one :)

Anyways, here are some photos:








I can add that I haven't edited the photos at all, and that both the light and the water quality wasn't the best for taking photos, and there were water stains on the glass as well as reflections from the window. And taking photos of fish is not an easy thing to do, ever. Still turned out pretty good I think :)

Sleep?

Nah, why should I? Decided some hour ago I'll just skip that tonight, I'll sleep tomorrow instead. Got stuck at facebook talking with M instead, better than sleeping :) So now it's sending youtube-links all night. Yay! :D

Today in school:
English - uh, read, sleep
Wildlife Management - Practice that fashion show
Biology - Finish that lab with the onion (which I finished the day before yesterday, but still)
Design - Paint. Easy.
Math - Everybody except like 6 of us are gonna be gone for basketball, so we're going to get a snack instead :)

Today.

Before classes this morning, my principal came up to me in the hallway. He said thanks, for making a comment on facebook, that he appreciated it, that the guy in question appreciated it, that his parents appreciated it. The comment took me a minute to write, and it's something natural for me, and should be for anybody to write. But no one else did. No one. And that pisses me off.

The comment in question? A photo comment on a photo of him.

Erin: ya seriously to afaid what ppl say is true **laughs** ur not kewl u should delete the picture all together jeeze

My response?

To Erin: There's no need being mean, you're not putting yourself in a good position by doing so, and it's only gonna strike back at you one way or another. (that's also the reason I'm not gonna say anything else about it even if I happen to be very able to)

And yes, I'm putting her name here. She can have that.

Winterborn and something that pulled my trigger

There's a guy at my school, who's kinda picked at. He's a nice enough guy, and I can't see that he's done anything wrong. In him, I see myself. Not myself as I am now, but myself 3-4 years ago. I hated school, not because of the studying, but because of the classmates. It's no fun to hear how they are gonna kill you. It's no fun having no one who's standing up for you, when they all know exactly what's going on. People ignore, people are afraid to take a stand, and I promised myself that I'd never be one of them. Never one of them who just watch, who do nothing. I want to help him, I want to stand beside him and tell them to fuck off, I want to shove my boots up their asses and out their mouths. And I told him this. And he said the most beautiful thing anyone can say, ever, he said "Thank you, a lot." And I know he meant it.


I'm fit for fight fuckheads, bring it on.

Grad-meeting and people that piss me off

So, just came back from the second grad-meeting we've had this far, and the biggest discussion was whether or not the after grad-party was gonna be wet or dry. There are a couple of advantages of having a dry one, such as it's waaaay easier to get donations for it, and a place to have it, yada yada yada. But then, there's these girls, both with the same name, L&L we can call them. I get along with one of them, but the other one I can't really stand. Anyways, their opinion of grad seems to be lets-get-smashed-and-not-remember-a-thing. Not that I mind a party, but hey, it's grad, I'd like to remember grad, I'd like to remember walking across the stage and get my grades and all of it. Me and a lot of other guys (and girls) eventually was bored by the discussion and left, leaving the parents and L&L to have the fight. Seriously, if you can't stay sober for one night, you've got problems.

That was the grad-meeting. Think we're gonna have one on thursday as well, in 3rd period, aka: NO BIOLOGY! :D Not that biology is very hard, and it's kinda fun, but it's still biology.

On the subject of biology, there're some girls in my biology class I just can't stand. I'm gonna generalise A LOT now, but this is the way it is. Overweight, dressing inaccordingly to their shape of body, always chewing gum, giggling, not listening to anything the teacher says, coming in late (how are you late to THIRD period?), and what not. I'm sorry, you're all a bunch of idiots, and I couldn't care less wasn't it for the fact I have to spend 1 of 5 classes each day listening to you giving me a headache. Really, it's disguisting when you can see the belly hanging over the lining of your pants, when there's that crack between all your XL-shirts and your pants...

Number 3 on the agenda; the guy who all of a sudden hates me for who I'm dating, and just the fact that I'm dating. He was a friend of mine, and then I started to date D, he all of a sudden called me a whore. When I had an open relationship with V at the time, and they both knew. Anyways, he got over himself, atleast he acted as if he did, and we were still friends. Then, I broke up with D. Which this guy didn't want me to do "Don't break up with him, it's gonna shatter our group, it's only 6 months 'til you leave. Break up with him when you leave and don't date when you are back in Sweden". Seriously? Going for HALF A FUCKING YEAR with someone I don't want to go with? That's insane. So I told him I'd try not to date for a while, try. He was happy enough with that. Until he found out I was going with J. Then I'm a whore, again, who doesn't listen to his opinions, who's addicted to sex and he doesn't want to hang out with that kinda people. But oh sure, he can hang out with people who do drugs, who steal, who get so drunk they need to be taken to the hospital, who skip class more or less all the time. He can hang out with them. But not me, because I'm dating someone. If that's the basis on which he's gonna decide who's his friend, I don't wanna be his friend, I don't wanna have anything to do with him.

Long boring post, yay!

On the other hand, B is a sweetheart :) <3

Math? Read that handout we got in english this morning? Start researching that thing for Wildlife Management? Work out? I feel fat >.<

Hawk

I have one.

Breathing

I woke up this morning. At 8. Thinking that I had to get out of bed and go to school. Until I realised it's saturday, and I can go back to sleep again. So I did.

Went to Tim's with my hostmom, then went for a walk when she had to go back to work at 3 again. I went with the intention of taking pictures, which I didn't. I just walked, lost in my music. I do that a lot, but not enough. Paint more. Walk more. Read more.

On the other hand, I took some photos during the evening. It's all nice out right now, only -3! So I sat there, on the ground, on the driveway, on the stairs leading to our front door. Breathing. Listening. Probably looked like someone locked out, but who cares? I wish I could go for longer walks in the night, but I'm afraid to. This isn't home. This city is different, more dangerous. I miss that about Lund, the feeling of being safe in the night. So I just stayed by the house.


I also realised I need a tripod for my camera. It can't be that expensive, can it? Have to get that next month or so I guess, not this one atleast.

Now, sleep? Read? Do nothing?

I miss you.